Space Filler - "Fluff"

~Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people.

1. This gig we created for ourselves...it can't be done sitting down. So get up off your self-centered, lazy ass - because as long as you're around and able to actively participate, I will NOT do it on my own.
2. I am fully aware of your deep-seated need to be sure I'm well and wholly provided for and taken care of, and I appreciate that; truly, I do. But I'm an adult, now, too; and your hovering is taking away my opportunity/ability to make my own mistakes and learn from them. So, please - STEP BACK. Take comfort in the fact that I've grown up enough to know how to ask for help when needed, and to recognize those occasions before it's too late.
3. You're playing games with a child's life, just because you haven't been able to run him down and bend him to your will. Grow up, already. It's time to - QUICKLY - learn and accept that the world does NOT revolve around you and what you want. You'll do well to see that sooner rather than later, so that you don't ruin anyone else's innocent life in such a completely unnecessary manner.
4. The 6-7 month period of time you're agreeing to plan your wedding in is going to be the ruin of it all. And for that simple fact, I may be seriously tempted to actually show up at your madhouse ceremony, just to laugh at your chaos. The fact that I object has nothing to do with anything. But consider yourself forewarned on that front. Not to mention the part where I'm incredibly irritated by the lack of consideration that went into the thought process leading to asking The Husband to be a part of the ceremony while expecting me to wrangle both our children alone during your dumb wedding.
5. You think too much about yourself and nowhere near enough about how you affect others around you. Take me, for example. You call me ONLY when you WANT or NEED something from me and/or mine; that's not cool, seeing as I'm the only one who's truly been there for you through EVERYTHING; when you've asked me to hold your hand, or when you've kicked, scratched, and hit me in the heart and soul, or even when you've told me to fuck off 'cause you didn't need me. I WAS THERE ANYWAY! And this is how you thank me? By pretending I don't exist or you don't know me when it's convenient for you. Think twice before you come crying to me, begging for a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to bend about the latest drama (of your own creation) in your life. I'm not gonna hold fast, waiting for you to come around anymore.
6. I need you now, more than ever. Your guidance and kindness are what get me through my darker times, when I can't count on myself to dig in and haul out of my own volition. You are my rock, my light. You are the good in my life, in my world when I can't seen any possible goodness. You must, MUST outlive me, because if you go first I will not survive long on my own. You have been everything I ever need from you, even when people said you shouldn't; and for that, I could never than you enough. I do love you.
7. I can't handle your brand of psycho very often. I think we would be better friends if we didn't live so close to each other. Your constant need to live completely outside of your means makes me insane. I constantly want to tell you that it is the WHOLE reason you're still in the situation you are in. Oh, and the whole job thing - that right there is a slam-dunk case against you for having your baby taken away from you. The fact that you know for a fact that you could make 3xs a much as him if you got a job; but you WON'T because HE should HAVE TO bust his ass for the family you nearly FORCED him to create. And that he can't get a job he wants or likes just because you expect him to be miserable if he's not doing things YOUR way, but if YOU are "forced" to go back to work then you are ENTITLED to and DESERVE to do something FUN to make up for the fact that you're forced to be away from your baby - disregarding the fact that you resent your baby for taking away the life you had before. No, you're a GREAT parent, and are SPOT ON in criticizing me as a mother. GET OVER YOURSELF AND GET A CLUE. Take your meds, bitch...before someone commits you, permanently.
8. You break her heart or hurt her in any way ever again, and this entire family will be all over your case like white on rice, sir.
9. You are the lights of my life and I would die before I did anything to intentionally hurt you. I am who I am only because you shaped, molded, and changed me for the better. I want you to always be able to come to me about anything and everything, without being afraid of how I'm going to react, because you are my heart and I will love you regardless of anything you could imagine doing.
10. I want us to get along better than we have in the past. I know a lot of that was my own fault, yes, but you never exactly made things easy for me. It's time to change all that. We've both been through a lot, and I think we could do each other some good in the long run. I want us to be friends.

~Nine things about myself.

1. I am who I am, and that will not change based on someone else's opinion of me. I don't need your approval.
2. I drive like I feel. If I'm angry, you would be wise to stay out of my way; and if I'm sad or scared, you should take my keys away for a while so I don't get myself hurt or even killed.
3. Calm is not an emotion I'm very familiar with.
4. Someone criticizing my parenting skills makes me VERY stabby.
5. When I was 14, I was in an incredibly emotionally damaging relationship with a guy who made me feel less than deserving of my own life.
6. Every day that I get up, I have to consciously and continually remind myself that I'm better than that prick.
7. My children - while constantly challenging my temper and self-control - are a daily reminder of just how wrong I was to spend 3 years believing all of those pathetic lies he always fed me.
8. Graduating from high school was probably the single most gratifying event of my life...not to underplay the seriousness of the births of my children, but I never had anyone telling me I couldn't become a mother, like I heard daily about my inability to finish high school.
9. I'm absolutely OBSESSED with pictures, but I have no confidence in my photography skills, so I have no evidence of my weakness.

~Eight ways to win my heart.

1. Kiss me for no reason but that you want to.
2. Be proud to be with me, even around your friends.
3. Tell me love me, and mean it from your very soul.
4. Think I'm beautiful, whether I'm sick in bed or dressed to the nines to go out with you.
5. Hold my hand when we're walking around.
6. Appreciate all that I have to offer you; no matter how seemingly meaningless it may be.
7. Talk to me. Not the mindless small-talk of two strangers, but real, meaningful conversations.
8. Hold me close every chance you get. My heart could be shattered over something, but your loving, physical closeness will help make it better all the quicker. I LIVE for loving contact with my lover.

~Seven things that cross my mind a lot.

1. The early days/nights of our relationship.
2. That day at Great Falls, and the sweet simplicity of it all.
3. How on earth did I make it through those 10 months?
4. Serious, resolve-shaking doubt.
5. All our possible futures and how we'd manage it all.
6. Cinnamon flavored anything - candy, gum, alcohol.
7. What the hell am I gonna eat next?

~Six things I do before I go to bed (aside from the obvious "brush my teeth"/"wash my face").

1. Drink at least 1 can of soda. HAS TO HAPPEN, or I'm up all night.
2. Watch some kind of mind-numbing crap on T.V. to shut down the constant race of thoughts through my head.
3. Make bottles, kiss my babies and put them to bed.
4. At least think about the events of the day, and anything I could possibly write about.
5. Check all my email accounts (in a specific order); check Twitter; check Myspace; check Facebook.
6. Go upstairs to bed and read until I can't keep my eyes open anymore. (Yes, I know it contradicts the mind-numbing T.V. to shut down my brain by seriously engaging it, but I'm a study in contradictions, and it MUST happen for me to sleep.)

~Five people who mean a lot to me...in no real order.

1. Boogaloo
2. Pickle
3. my Mother
4. The Husband
5. Myself - don't hate. I'm a firm believer that you can't expect anyone else to love you if you can't even love yourself first.

~Four things I'm wearing right now.

1. red and navy Kappa t-shirt
2. green plaid p jammer pants
3. bracelet from Lost World Caverns in WV
4. Myrtle Beach tie-dye hoodie my sister picked out for me on this year's "family" vacation with my brother and grandparents.

~Three types of music/songs I listen to often.

1. country
2. hard rock/metal
3. rap/hip-hop

~Two things I want to do before I die.

1. See my children get married and have their own children.
2. Travel internationally, excluding Canada or Mexico because they can be driven into.

~One confession.

I don't actually know what I'm doing with my life. As in, I don't have any serious long-term goals that I can literally work towards. I live my life day by day, trying to just get through it, one moment at a time. I don't deserve half (easily) of the blessings I've been given for the simple fact that I really haven't had to work for them.