Hello Mania; I Hate You

It's just after midnight on a Sunday morning. I haven't slept solidly through the night during normal hours in at least the last 4 days. I blame YOU, exclusively.

Don't get excited. That's not blame you want rested on you, alone. I hold grudges, bad. Especially when it comes to things affecting my sleep.

{I guess we need to back-pedal for a moment...just to clarify some things here. You and me, mania, we haven't been conclusively declared to be "friends." No doctor has yet confirmed our match made in hell. That said, I suppose one could argue that you exist only in my head as an excuse for my own choices. I would argue that, but it is what it is, so I'll just leave that for a day when I have the focus to make a logical argument.}

My sleep is important - necessary, even. You're screwing with it in a major way, and I have an issue with that. Not entirely on my own behalf, either.

I'm angry because you're messing me up for my kids. I'm furious that you've made my relationship with my husband next to impossible to manage. I am absolutely livid that I can't get my head above water to be there for my kids because you have made EVERYthing else a total fucking nightmare. But most of all, I'm mad at myself for not having MADE myself an opportunity to get all this sorted out because I can't see any light to guide myself out from under you. You have taken me away from myself, and for that your shame should create a hellacious fear.

God help you, mania, when I can pull myself together enough to make even the smallest attempt at getting help. When that day comes, we will be FAR from friends. I will own you, and you will bow down to my will. Remember that, as I won't warn you again.