Drawn In Faces

New Location

2011-03-31T03:18:00.000-04:00

long overdue, but I moved to a new "home" a very long time ago...you can now find me here

thanks so much, and hope you'll stay with me.

To the Skank Suddenly Interrupting My Life Again...Part 2

2010-04-19T15:27:00.003-04:00

Part 1 is the immediately previous post, here. I'll gladly wait while you bring yourself up to speed if you like.

Now then, let's continue where we left off, shall we?

Looking back, I now see the irony in you telling me he wasn't good enough for me. But I guess I should almost be flattered, in a fucked up way, since you wanted him for yourself. That - to me - could be read as "I want him, so I tell you he's not good enough for you because you're better than me." Not that I needed you to tell me that. I knew that long before the whole ordeal. Anyway, moving right along....

(

I'm a patient person, and I can tolerate someone wanting what I've got, no problem. What I cannot and will not tolerate is someone actively trying to take what's mine, by whatever means they can. That's exactly what you did. You literally told MY husband that you were not only attracted to him, but you wanted to be with him intimately. Then you approached me to ask my blessing/permission to kiss him "to see if there's anything other than attraction there." Since I'm a rather liberal person (read: I didn't think there was any chance in hell of it ever actually happening), I said fine, as long as your husband and I both knew about it before it happened. Situation covered; I forgot all about it. All well and good for a while, then forgetting backfired.

So, sure...you wanted my husband. Great. You knew the rules, and you swore to follow them. Those rules held, until right after we got a truck. You switched things and our (MY) Ford Explorer Sport Trac was your new dream vehicle, rather than a Cadillac Escalade - provided The Husband was the one driving. You drove him up to get it from where he'd had to park it around the corner so that we could go home, and for whatever reason you were taken by the moment. I knew nothing at the time, beyond the fact that it took you two forever to g get my truck and get back. Upon getting home, it was visible on The Husband's face that all was not normal. Then texts began pouring in from you, talking about your feelings, and did he feel the same way about you. My personal favorite was when you asked if he'd felt what you did. Not knowing what you were talking about, I asked him once more what had taken so long to go get the truck, since it was just around the corner. The answer to that question still brings me to the edge of a murderous rage, now, more than a year later.

As it turned out, you insisted on driving The Husband around the corner to get my truck for a number of your own reasons. For starters, you wanted to get away from the 4 of us you left behind (your own husband and daughter, and my son and myself), to be alone with The Husband and not have to mind your words and actions. Secondly, you wanted to drive *my* truck, without having to ask my permission. (Anyone who knows anything about me knows that when it comes to what's MINE, if you ask you can have the world, but just doing behind my back will result in death.) And then we come to the absolute deal-breaker. You decided that since (conditional) permission had been given, and the topic discussed in general, it was perfectly acceptable for you to take MY HUSBAND by the face and kiss him as passionately as you possibly could (read: cleaning HIS tonsils with YOUR tongue). Clearly he's just as guilty of letting these things happen as you are of causing them to happen, since *neither* of you bothered to say a word of it to either of the remaining spouses when you finally got back with the vehicles.

To say I was upset would be like saying 9/11 was simply sad.

In reality, I think the firey rage that burned in my soul melted the paint off the siding of my parents' house. Immediately, I brought it to your husband's attention, and proceeded to flip the ever-loving fuck out. I literally could not form full coherent thoughts, let alone sentences. The fact that The Husband was holding my sleeping son probably saved his life. The only thing saving your life was my advanced stage of pregnancy. I didn't deem you worthy of the possible danger to myself and my unborn daughter that would come from dealing with your cheap, skeezy ass. So I did the next-best thing, in my mind. I sent you a series of text messages, detailing the numerous reasons you would never have ANY form of contact with The Husband, EVER again, lest you create a situation where I took legal action and had restraining orders placed on you. As I fully expected, you denied EVERYTHING...until your husband confronted you, and you sang like a bird! Then you had the nerve to yell at *me* for being mad, saying I'd no right to be mad because I'd OK'd it before. As it turned out, you'd completely ignored the part where I'd said NOT WHEN YOU'RE ALONE, OR WITHOUT TELLING US FIRST, so of course you didn't see any problem with it.

There was intense arguing about it for probably a solid week. During which you tried to tell me the whole thing was my fault for being pregnant and "depriving The Husband of his most basic desires," calling me selfish. After days of (what I now see as) pointless back-and-forth arguing, I quit trying to get past your stupidity to make you see the reality and the wrongness (shut.the.fuck.up, it IS TOO a word), and I just ceased all contact. You raged on for days, hurling insults (that did and didn't have your desired effect), and finally got the clue and stopped. Any further conversations were had between your husband and myself, since we were the only two could talk about it without feeling the urge to rip each other's heads off.

Things carried on that way through Christmas, Boogaloo's birthday, The Husband's and my anniversary, New Year's Eve, and most of New Year's Day. Then when your husband got arrested you had nowhere else to turn, couldn't afford to bail him out yourself, didn't know anyone else with the resources to do it without judging you, and so you turned back to us.

Right now, however, I need to take some time to cool down and stop shaking with repressed rage. I'll come back to this later.

To the Skank Suddenly Interrupting My Life Again...Part 1

2010-04-12T02:42:00.002-04:00

I cut you out New Year's Day when you decided I was no friend to you because I behaved like any decent human would. I don't expect you to understand that. I'm well aware you're on too many prescriptions for your defective brain to know anything about decency. That's why you've conned teams of doctors into giving you Rx's for pain-killers and ADD meds to further imbalance your already dangerously unstable brain. That's why you got through the county's psych evaluation and into their system for services in only 2 days when most people's cases take 3 *weeks* to finalize...and why you were proud of it. That's why you kicked your daughter's father - your husband - out of your mother's house because he wasn't fulfilling your new and unpredictable demands, despite your not speaking to him for over a month. But most of all, your complete lack of decency accounts for you trying to ruin my marriage, and then asking my husband to father the children you want to continue having, by any means necessary.

Because I know just how blind you are to your own short-comings, allow me to walk you through some of the life-altering hell I went through while attempting to maintain a "friendship" with you. A "friendship" that turned out to be very volatile, and absolutely fair-weather in its one-sidedness. Let's start from the start, just so I don't have to take into account your absolute ignorance and back-track constantly, shall we.

We met because you were married to a guy with less job experience than you, so he made less money, he got you pregnant, you quit your job "to prepare to be a SAHM", and you had to move back to your mom's to avoid having to pay rent. I was friends with your younger sister, so you hated me just for that. Then you found out I was married to a deployed soldier and didn't have many expenses, so I had some money to play with. (Do you see how shallow you seemed, even that early on?) You slowly turned me on your own sister because you weren't able to control her and she was everything you wanted to be (read: pretty, funny, personable). Somehow, you presented a moving, believable case, and I fell for it. I became "friends" with you and your husband.

Once you hooked me in, you played all your sympathy cards just right. I felt bad for you, and I tried to help you out however you needed it. I can't remember how many times I helped out with groceries when I wasn't even eating the food I paid for. The cell phone bills that you struggled to stay current on? Never have I pumped so much money (that I didn't even earn) into a service that I never used! Then when you had to decide between having electricity or water, I eliminated the need to make that decision too. My (husband's) money got your car out of the tow lot on a couple of occasions. There were countless other times that I chipped in, and I got nothing out of handing you money for whatever the need was at that moment. I remember the last bill I paid was the cable bill - because everyone was so tired of missing their shows and making-do with watching movies and T.V. shows on DVD. I got your daughter 90% of her initial wardrobe as your baby shower present. Then your daughter was born and I was constantly over there, helping you take care of her - and don't forget I was parenting my own baby all on my own while doing this, too.

Then I had to take a break from being your bitch because my husband came home from Iraq and I was 7mos pregnant with my *second* child. You were less than pleased that I wasn't over every day to play with your baby and do everything else while you sat around. You constantly texted me, telling me that my husband wasn't good to me; that I could do so much better; that I should hang out with you instead of him while he was actually home. Then you crossed a line with him that I had never even seen coming.

I have to stop here because I can't handle reliving this right now. I'll continue later.

to make something else easier to do...ignore this post

2010-04-09T13:53:00.002-04:00

Just a post to make it easier to link to these pictures for someone else's project...feel free to ignore it.

My Letter of Intent

2010-04-07T14:04:00.002-04:00

Dear Body Fat,
Your days are decidedly numbered. It's time for us to part ways, because you're holding me back. Am I making myself perfectly clear? We're through. That's right, I'm breaking up with you.
You've been making my legs and tush all jiggly for the last 20 months, quite easily. To say that I'm not pleased with that fact is far more than an understatement.
Done, over, outie for good. Consider this your eviction notice, and take heed of my saying I'm taking my body back from your fatty control. No more nasty empty calories to feed you, no more sugary snacks, no more junk food, no more big portions. Bur most of all, I'm callin' it quits with liquor.
I hope I make you miserable, Fat, because you've made me just as miserable. So this is the end of our story. DONE.
If you'd like to change yourself, that's a perfectly acceptable option. So make your decision, and if you're down for my new program, you make damn sure you report for work-outs, and you be 100% committed to the mission. We start tomorrow.

Unkindly yours,
Caitlin

Hey Momma -
This one's for you...since I know you're reading now, and all. Hopefully I'll hold your interest and make you proud. The possibility of entertaining you is just icing on the cake.

The Quick Version

2010-02-25T02:54:00.002-05:00

~I'm in the process of preparing myself to get all my mental issues checked out, with the possibility of getting medicated.

~There's definite danger of random strangers on the street or at the mall suffering the repercussions of my head exploding.

~Dear, dear banes of my existence...I'm working on getting us out from under your feet, on our own. Things around here are far too difficult for me to be able to deal with them for any great length of time. I need better organization, less disastrous mess. I wanna be able to wash my own clothes (when I wanna do it), scrub my own floors, cook on my own stove, use my little hot pink Dirt Devil to suck up my own dirt, put our clothes away in our own closets, and store my plates in my my own cabinets. I think it's time to quit, and plan a whole separate post on this topic for a different day.

~We have errands to complete. Not to mention a letter to write to set things in motion. Also, we need to get "US" back on track. I'm tired of feeling like I'm losing you.

~I know we don't come visit often enough. I'm trying to change that whole situation, things are just really complicated around here. I make no promises, obviously, but I fully intend to provide all parties with far more frequent visits. Especially with the possibility of us moving away looming on the horizon.

~Y'know what I'm currently trying to accomplish for you? The far more toddler-friendly living environment you both deserve. Some semblance of normalcy and typical family life - perhaps military family life, but a life all on our own as just the four of us. Why, you ask? Because it'll be way better that way. (And? Mommy really needs her own effing space already!!)

~Because the situations necessitate that I may have a need for an animal free space and/or the occasional break, we'll probably be seeing much more of each other. And, just for the record, I greatly appreciate you making your space our space.

~Blanket statement...I'm not totally stable lately, so please don't take my reactions completely to heart as they are not at all a guarantee of the reality of my emotions. The first thing out of my mouth is not always the real answer.

And now that I'm not even making sense to myself, it's time to say "Goodnight, Lucy" and call it a day. Or a night, as the case may be. Hopefully I'll be able to re-find my train of thought. We'll see about that later, though.

Yo, Mom!

2010-02-07T02:36:00.002-05:00

Well, flock. It's been way too long, and while we've spoken about things, I haven't really gotten to "tell you officially" about everything that's been going on lately. Not sure if I should really do a full run-down, though. And in some unfortunate twist of fate, I really think that right here, right now is NOT right for every single detail. So the abridged version, coming your way....

There's been some seriously rough patches. Some things still haven't been totally walked through, and others have yet to even be touched. It's starting to grate on my already thin and very frazzled nerves. I almost sense some sort of crisis on the horizon. All is not well in sunny little Happy Familyville. In fact, it's downright mayhem. Witnesses have described pandemonium and fighting reminiscent of a Battle Royale just around every corner. Let me see if I can break down a list of the major topics of the breaches of love/trust/boundaries of acceptable conduct.

~p0rnographic picture messages
~unacceptable typed/verbal conversations
~outright deception

I think that covers the broad-spectrum topics. All the hairy little details fall into those categories. For the purposes of keeping things completely honest and real - I am so NOT taking it all well. Mostly, I'm trying to act like my demands for things to change weren't my idea...in theory, it works much, much better than the reality of the situation.

It's all difficult. It's all very difficult lately. So very much so, that there has been no other possible solace than to eat every last globule of peanut butter in the house. Now if you will kindly excuse me...I must find something else to snack on while I emotionally eat. You know, because I ate all the peanut butter already.

Hello Mania; I Hate You

2010-01-17T00:05:00.003-05:00

It's just after midnight on a Sunday morning. I haven't slept solidly through the night during normal hours in at least the last 4 days. I blame YOU, exclusively.

Don't get excited. That's not blame you want rested on you, alone. I hold grudges, bad. Especially when it comes to things affecting my sleep.

{I guess we need to back-pedal for a moment...just to clarify some things here. You and me, mania, we haven't been conclusively declared to be "friends." No doctor has yet confirmed our match made in hell. That said, I suppose one could argue that you exist only in my head as an excuse for my own choices. I would argue that, but it is what it is, so I'll just leave that for a day when I have the focus to make a logical argument.}

My sleep is important - necessary, even. You're screwing with it in a major way, and I have an issue with that. Not entirely on my own behalf, either.

I'm angry because you're messing me up for my kids. I'm furious that you've made my relationship with my husband next to impossible to manage. I am absolutely livid that I can't get my head above water to be there for my kids because you have made EVERYthing else a total fucking nightmare. But most of all, I'm mad at myself for not having MADE myself an opportunity to get all this sorted out because I can't see any light to guide myself out from under you. You have taken me away from myself, and for that your shame should create a hellacious fear.

God help you, mania, when I can pull myself together enough to make even the smallest attempt at getting help. When that day comes, we will be FAR from friends. I will own you, and you will bow down to my will. Remember that, as I won't warn you again.

Sunday Spilling, turned Weirdly Wandering Wednesday #4

2010-01-13T16:39:00.002-05:00

~Do I have a forehead tattoo invisible to all but drunks? One that says, "Will listen to drunken rambling and tales of woe." Because it seems to happen a lot.

~I really should've stayed home from the wedding we went to Saturday night. Not sure how to explain it any better than that, so I'll just leave it right there.

~My mother's bed is one of the only places I can just lay down and go right to sleep. That NEVER happens, so I'll take it when I can get it - regardless of the circumstances. A solid 13hrs of sleep without getting any grief is always a welcome treat for me.

~Having someone to talk to who won't judge you and will ask before giving their opinion/advice is always a huge comfort when you just need a chance to say what's weighing heavy on your heart without telling the world.

~After living with myself for the whole 21+ years of my life, I still haven't quite figured out what will trigger my tears. This fact can make for some very awkward and rather uncomfortable situations in public places.

~While I don't have bad credit, I simply don't have enough credit yet, so I still have a long way and a lot of work to get there (with "there" being good credit).

~Children who refuse to nap are the "last straw" trigger that causes so many parents to drink. Followed closely by children who tantrum over ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

~In completely unrelated news, I am FAR from winning that ever-coveted Mother of the Year Award.

Hey Momma

2010-01-05T12:05:00.003-05:00

We text regularly now, so writing to you kinda seems redundant. But seeing as I've never done things in the "typical" fashion, I don't really see any reason to let that stand in the way of me being your daughter and doing things different. Especially since it just occurred to me that you said something to me, moons ago, about making a book of all our past emails, and we haven't spoken of it in well over a year. If I'm confusing you, here it is, in all the straightforward glory I can give it. I WANT THAT BOOK OF EMAILS! I got a birthday this summer. Or Christmas works, too...I just want it 'cause I'm all kinds of twisted like that.
Did you ever have time to sit down, breathe, think about yourself, about me, and then connect the dots to realize that when I lived at home you and I couldn't stand to be around each other, let alone speak to each other, but now it's cause for worry if we haven't texted by evening? While the specifics suck, I'm definitely glad that we talk/text as much as we do now. And to think, Dad didn't believe the texting would make any difference in us communicating or staying in contact! I still think you shoulda bet him some serious coin on it. You could be rich now if you had! Although now that I think of it, that same money would end up right back in his hands in 3 days time, so it matters not.
There was another topic I wanted to mention here, but it seems that talking about people's ridiculousness has forced it from my mind - temporarily, at least. Oh! I got it! I was gonna tell you about sitting up all night for no necessary reason, then feeling like the whole day has rushed on by no later than 9AM. Because that's my day today. My day is also the small boy sorting his breakfast cereal, then the fruit snacks by color, and seeming to have something against the red gummies. It's the glamorous life, here. Well, except for the subjects that you and I have already beaten to death and/or completely worn out. Granted, there are always new details, and we both know I could talk about it forever, but it's probably just better if we let those things be. For now, anyway.
You have a birthday present for my small boy, and I just remembered that fact. I'll have to get on top of bringing those type things over here for the kids.
But for now...I'm gonna hafta step back before I start typing with my face after falling asleep right directly on my laptop.

Are We There Yet? Happy Anniversary

2010-01-05T11:06:00.002-05:00

Dear The Husband,
Since you read here now, I figure it's only fitting to acknowledge/mention/recognize our anniversary for you to see, too. Nevermind that I'm late in doing it. After being with me for 4+ years, and married to me for 2 full years now, you should realize that I tend to be late with everything...how else would we already have 2 kids?! Moving right along....
Our marriage has not been the easiest thing in the world, by any means. But I also know that we could have it a lot harder. I know I'm not the greatest wife you could have, and I must say that I thank God every day that you keep putting up with my crap. But it's a two-way street, and I think we both know what that means, huh?
We've been through a whole lot together - the least of which being the 7,000 miles between us for the majority of our first married year. Gotta love the Army and their *wonderful* timing, y'know? Although, I must say, letting you come home for 2 weeks was nice. Gave us an opportunity for a familymoon, and proved great for growing our little family even more! I will say this, though. If we weather another deployment together and I come to pick you up with the kids in tow, you better not have bonded with the boys in such a way that they give me shit for "letting this fucker reproduce, twice even" because my reaction may end your military career.
While I'm sure I could continue on about the chaos that was our first year of wedded bliss.... Yea, I'm just gonna stop there and say that it was its own special level of hell, and could only have been made worse by you being home, expecting me to cook food you could really eat.
Having rounded out year 2 and moving steadily into year 3, I feel the need to say that it would seem we've accomplished something, staying together this long without separating and/or filing for divorce even once. Especially when you think that there were so many of the girls I went to school with in the same boat, and now they're working out the final details of their divorces.
Nothing stands out more to me, than the day you looked me straight in the eye and said, "You're different...I've never stayed truly interested for this long, and you're just exciting and new every single day." (Having spoken to some of your old flames, and knowing that to be rather accurate, I now look back and consider that a huge compliment. Especially from you and your refusal to put things in words for me to better understand you.)
I know things are difficult right now. And I'm pretty certain they're gonna get a little bit more so before they can get better. But I'm looking forward to the challenge. I'm excited to see what we figure out to solve these big things. You and me against the world, forever.

I love you as big as the sky. Happy Anniversary, Chicken Nugget.

Boogaloo! Now You're 2!

2010-01-04T23:20:00.002-05:00

Boogaloo, Boo Baby, Bubba, Bear, Booger Boy...all these things - and MORE - have been used to get your attention, and have worked the majority of the time. You're still so very much Mommy's little boy, and I absolutely love that about you. You've adjusted so well to having to share my attention with your little sister in the last year, even if sometimes you do struggle with it a little bit. You absolutely love to laugh. And your laugh is absolutely infectious. Heaven help us all if anyone were ever to get it on tape. Or maybe they should - then they could play it on a steady loop for people with documented (and even un-documented) depression. It's THAT wonderful of a sound.

We took you to the doctor Friday, for that really nasty cough you've had for the last 3 weeks or so...I figured you would be your currently clingy self, and stick to my side like a little monkey on a leash*, but as soon as the doctor walked in you were his best little buddy: reaching your hand out for him to shake; telling him "Hi, hi, hi, hi" over and over like a broken record, bun in a good way; and of course, the action that melts everyone's hearts - reaching to be picked up and thanking them with a great big hug. Doc, unfortunately discovered that you have your first case (a raging one, at that) of bronchitis. I feel like a huge tool for not getting you in and on meds any sooner. Although I'm almost convinced that you being somewhat sick was the cause of the total explosion in your language. You went from a totally incoherent babble (that so many of your relatives claimed sounded like some Chinese dialect) to saying things like "Hi" and "dog" and "cow" and "pig". I've heard you say "kitty" several times, your grandma got you to say "toast" a handful of times one morning, and you call your sister a "guh" which we've determined to mean girl. (*I called you a leash monkey...that's pretty funny and accurate since we got one of those kiddy harnesses and the leash that goes with it so that you can run off some of your seemingly endless energy, but still stay near enough to us to be safely under our control. You LOVE to wear it! In the house, in the car, just so long as it's on your terms and somebody can yank on that leash, every so often, hard enough to land you on your butt. That gets a real god laugh out of you.*)

You absolutely LOVE to pull my shirt down when it slides up and shows any skin on my belly. Some time ago, your Daddy managed to teach you how to pull your own shirt up and smack your tummy. Lately, the tummy-smacking has evolved into poking your own belly-button and cackling with glee.

We did a big Christmas celebration with everybody on your Daddy's side of the family the day after your birthday, and it was the first time you actually had everyone's attention on you while you unwrapped your presents. I don't think I have ever been so surprised or impressed by your ability to absolutely demolish something. You enjoyed the hell out of opening your presents, and extended that fun by opening up some of mine, too. The fun isn't totally done, yet - your Grandma D has another birthday present for you, so I need to get you over there sometime soon so you can start figuring out what to do with it, too.

Things have been really chaotic in your little world, lately, and your Daddy and I most definitely owe you our own individual explanations as to why that happens continuously. I cannon say, for certain, when those explanations will be coming...form either of us. Daddy is a very private person, and tends to struggle for words when he wants or needs to explain himself or his feelings. Then there's me. I'm not exactly sure of the reasons for everything that's going on, or how to put it into words to make sense of it. We both love you dearly, and nothing is EVER gonna change that.

Happy (LATE) Birthday, Boo Baby Boy! Momma loves you!

Catching Things Up a Bit

2009-12-29T22:54:00.002-05:00

~The reality of things is just this simple: I'm not safe from myself, so none of you are totally safe from me, either.

~Sweet babies...Mommy may have to go away for a while, but that does NOT change the fact that I love you as big as the sky. You are my heart, and that will never change.

~You've burned me badly here in recent months. Whether or not I'm ready to, or have already forgiven you for any of it is irrelevant. The fact of the matter is that I simply cannot trust you with my heart or feelings, and until you work on your own issues that cannon and will not change - even a tiny bit.

~All of you are blissfully unaware of the unspeakable tragedies going on in my personal life. I fully intend to keep it that way for as long as possible, because I can't handle the hell that would come about if some/any of you were brought totally up to speed.

~I understand that you went through some similar struggles earlier this year with the other pair, but this situation is DRASTICALLY different, and your seeming refusal to get involved in any way is proving to be VERY hurtful, seeing as I've made myself vulnerable to you by asking/ begging for your help - even a little of it.

~Some of you are currently in the know; some of you are aware of unrest in the situation; some may be asked to step in later if I can't handle it on my own; and still some will forever remain in the dark. No matter where you happen to fall on that spectrum, I have to thank you for always being there for me (at least within reason, I mean), and for always loving me. Those 2 simple things mean more than you realize.

~I don't have any idea who you are, where you're from, or any other detail about you - and I am TOTALLY fine with that...in fact, that's probably for the best, because after all the damage you've done already it's grounds for me maiming or disfiguring you at this stage of the game. But know this. If it continues - harmlessly, or otherwise - and I find out about it...you better hope we never meet, because I'll kill your home-wrecking ass. It is black and white from here on out. Ball's in your court, skank.

~If I'm not around, or I seem different than my usual self: It's because my whole world is turned on its ear at the moment. Things I never thought would happen to me are now aspects of my daily life. I'm learning how to get through it, but it's a slow, hard process. Please just be here for me - even silently - while I heal.

Never the Same

2009-11-07T02:42:00.002-05:00

So, knowing myself as well as I do ('cause that doesn't sound/read like the dumbest thing ever), I should've known better than to watch the brave woman, Lynsee, give birth live on the internet. It was amazing to watch, don't get me wrong. But because of my own 2 deliveries, it was one of the hardest things I've ever decided to do. Now I just have to figure out how to deal with the overwhelming feeling of failure that my own body wouldn't let me safely bring my own children into this world. That, and the all-consuming desire to have more babies, like, NOW. (Disregard the lack of logic in that - seeing as I couldn't even get knocked-up NOW...what with my medical intervention, as well as the stupid distance between me and my husband.)
And now, if you'll excuse me...I need to go curl up in bed alone and bawl my unexpectedly hormonal eyes out. When I come up for air, I'll get back to business, on a MUCH lighter note, so as not to send myself into a downward spiral toward the pits of hormonal despair.

Simple Truths

2009-11-04T20:57:00.002-05:00

-I think of you at great length, every single day of my life.

-From the day I made you quit your crap and trash it all, just to have the chance to hang out with me & you willingly did it, I have never questioned the strength of your feelings for me.

-To counter that, though, there HAVE been times that I've questioned the truth and/or sincerity of your feelings, and of your motives even more.

-You have been the driving force behind some of THE most wonderful things in my life.

-I'm praying a desperate prayer, from the toes of my soul, every single day, that you realize/accept/decide in the next 4 years that you want more kids, just like I already know that I do, with the very essence of my being.

-Speaking of kids, you have given me the 2 most beautiful children I could've ever dreamed of.

-No one I have ever knows before has been able to make me feel like the only person in the world that matters, while still reminding me that other people are just as important in the grand scheme of things.

-You've always loved me for me, never expected (or liked) me to paint my face and dress up when we go out, rather preferring I just wear what's comfortable and real.

-You can always see through my lies, even if I swear up and down I'm telling the truth.

-Even though you sometimes push too hard, trying to get me to talk about what's bothering me and I push you away, you're always there to listen when I'm ready to talk, and will apologize for just about anything I'm upset about - even if it's by no means your fault.

-Your real smile - the one that lights up your eyes and makes your skin sing a song of delight - is enough to get me through some of our darkest times, just because I know that when we come out on the other side and things get better, I'll get to see that smile again and all will be right in the world.

-We've made it through some of the hardest things in life, together, as young as we are - things that've ruined relationships for older, "wiser" people - even when everybody told us it would all fall apart at our feet because we're "too young to really know what love is all about." No matter how hard things got for us, our love guided us through, and I don't think anyone will ever totally understand. I think that being as young as we are gave us a huge advantage in that we haven't had enough time to experience love not being enough, so we had no doubts that our love would be strong enough.

-You are absolutely the love of my life, and right now that is all that I need to know to get through my life.

BUT...& That's a Really Big But

2009-10-28T11:20:00.002-04:00

My head, heart, and soul.... That's where you've staked your claim for ownership. Not that you would ever literally claim any kind of real owning, because that would just be stupid and you're not that big of an idiot, even on your very worst day.
Who am I kidding? At different points, you've tried to tell me that I have nothing to call my own anymore because you've bought everything for me since we got married. Well, I hate to break it to you, but guess what? Remember everything we bought/did in Orlando? That money was mine. And then when we turned around and went to West Virginia the very next weekend after Orlando? That was my money again. So no matter what you wanna try and talk yourself into believing, I HAVE aid for a great many things in our seemingly brief time together.
So know this. While you are always in my head in some way; forever in my heart - being directly tied to my 2 (so far) children who are the very essence of who I am now; and eternally tied to my soul, because I think we have a love that should, can, and will last through things everyone else would swear should break us...keep this in your mind. You accepted me for who I was when you first me me, for who I am. I will ALWAYS be that girl. I absolutely WILL NOT sacrifice who I am, or change who I am for you, just because you say I should. Any change I make in myself will be completely my own decision.
If you decide that you're not down with who I am, well then you can just suck it! This is me. This is who you asked to marry you 3 years ago on that cliff-top. I've done my time trying to please you, and now it's time for you to give me the respect we both know I more than deserve from you after all the shit we've gone through together. It's my turn to take the spotlight, and for you to step away and let me SHINE. Give me what I deserve and I will not be forced to start a fire set on burning you out of my place in the winner's circle. I WILL have my time, and you WILL take your place behind me for the ENTIRE duration of it. Get your head wrapped around it, and get used to it. I'm on fire, and I won't hesitate to burn my way through any and every single thing that stands in my way to the very center of the stage.
Drivers, start your engines. This is a high stakes game, and I'm playing keeps. Play hard, or go home, boys and girls.

My Apologies

2009-10-28T11:14:00.003-04:00

I've been completely and inexcusably absent from here lately, and I wish I could explain it to you. Unfortunately, I don't think I could find the words to tell you why I seemingly turned my back on you all. Probably, the closest I can come to putting into words the emotion(s) of the last little while is to say this.... I've been angry, depressed, elated, numb, contemplative, totally full, empty, all at once overwhelmed and anxiously anticipatory without knowing what I was waiting for. I have alternately wanted to laugh, cry, dance, die, sleep, scream, bleed, drain every last drop of alcohol in both of my houses, vomit, gorge myself, and even commit murder. There's been no rhyme or reason for my KRAYZEE mood swings. In fact, if I didn't know for a fact that it's impossible, I'd think I was pregnant again. Because that's been the only other time that I've been this ridiculously moody.
I need to find a physical outlet for some of my mess in my life. I think it's time for me to start considering doing some dancing...or perhaps some relaxing yoga? Or is it so simple a "fix" as making the one phone call I've been afraid of making, and calling to get myself in to get a psych. evaluation and maybe try to find a chemical cocktail combination to try to right all the seeming imbalance in my whacked-out brain. I need the madness to end, NOW!

Short Notes, Random Ones

2009-10-16T21:42:00.003-04:00

Dear Brain,
What mysterious chemical imbalance are you afflicted with so chaotically? And why did you have to randomly be wired to crash me high and low, back and forth, again and again, all in the blink of an eye? Oh, the debilitating sensory aversions are just kicking me when I'm already down...have mercy! For the love of Pete, at least don't manifest as a dire NEED to clean and wash while we live here. The floors here being coated by mold and/or kitty litter is making it physically IMPOSSIBLE to do a damn thing. I can't scrub the basement floor on my knees with a toothbrush because I can't walk on the basement floor without gagging. I can't wash my own clothes because the laundry room floor is coated by a layer of kitty litter and the feel of it makes me want to drown kittens.

Dear MIL,
If you make a bottle for either of my children, do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT just drop the formula scoop back into the can to then be covered by said formula because having to touch that powder to retrieve the scoop will trigger a HUGE sensory reaction, making me VERY angry for absolutely no reason.... Just because you don't get the angry face of Caitlin doesn't mean you can still just do what you want and get away with it all.

Dear Children,
Your constant screaming and neediness is going to drive mommy KRAYZEE if you don't cut it out already. The clinging to my pody will not fly anymore. Mommy needs her personal space, regardless of what you want.

Irritating Cats,
You're getting closer and closer to driving me to drink. I don't know which of you figured out how to open the door to Pickle's room, but for the simple fact that you let the fat black and white ass-hole cat in there when all he cares to do is sit on my daughter's face...you deserve to feel pain. And as if that's not enough. the constant yowling...it keeps me awake at night. Cut the crap or I cut you. ALL!

Dear Husband,
I had a complete mental breakdown, followed by a full-on panic attack, and you did NOTHING to help me come back from the edge. I love you dearly, but that's unacceptable from you. I need a shoulder to lean on right now. I need a strong support system, headed up by you because you're my husband. Step it up, please. I need you now, more than ever, love.

Wisconsin? Seriously?!

2009-10-08T14:34:00.002-04:00

Dear Dowerhouse Road USAR Drill Center,
Could you be any less considerate of the family members and situations of your soldiers? Maybe get a more personable UA to deal with the civilian aspect of coordinating schedules? Just a thought, 'cause you guys suck at this crap. Your current level of skill concerning civilian relations is worse than those of my 21 month old son, and he throws tantrums and hits and screams. He does a MUCH better job of conveying the reasons for his frustrations, and he hasn't learned how to talk yet. That's saying something serious, in my opinion. You get frustrated because people don't do things exactly the way you've decided that they should, and you enroll them in a class timed out PERFECTLY to tear them away from their little kids for a holiday they've never spent together - hell, they've never even spent it in the same country, time zone, state. This will make two years in a row that The Husband hasn't been able to take Boogaloo out to go trick-or-treating, and the source tracks back to you and your motives; impure as they are now. I know that one frustrated wife - or even the equivalent to an entire base-full of angry wives - makes no difference to you, but don't forget their support. Those wives; you know, the ones who're frustrated by your inconsideration; are the ones keeping your soldiers in good enough condition and good enough spirits to do as you're telling them to. Piss off that support system, and you may find yourself lacking quite seriously in new recruits. You, locally, and the federal government in charge of the whole military would all do well to keep that in consideration.

Sincerely,
A Military-created Single Mommy

P.S. - Your U.A. isn't the problem, the chain of command is; so I owe her - the U.A. - a major apology for my accusation before.

Weirdly Wandering Wednesday #3

2009-10-07T22:16:00.002-04:00

-Pickle child, I will NOT hesitate to bundle you to the point of your extreme frustration if you don't QUIT paying attention to every other fracking thing around you when I try to feed you because you tried to eat my FACE!

-Boogaloo, your hunger strike serves only to irritate me and weaken you. Eventually, you will end up either being force-fed against your (strong) will, or in the hospital getting needles stuck all in you to help you get strong.

-My list of books I would sincerely like to have in my possession is still getting longer, but I'm not getting through any more of the books I already HAVE.

-To the bitch in the Giant parking lot who slammed her car door into my van, looked me dead in my eyes, and scurried away like the rat she proved herself to be...karma is a HUGE bitch, and I have faith that you will get yours in the end.

-I have somehow managed to pass along my genetics that have predisposed my son (for now) to like one of my favorite cheezy reality T.V. shows on A&E, "Dog the Bounty Hunter." This is an EPIC win, because other wise the choice would be liking "COPS."

-Who in their right mind picks a fight with the people who hold the keys to the car-boot keeping you from using your own vehicle? An IDIOT, that's who. All those fools on "Parking Wars" make me that much more certain of my desire to move out to the middle of nowhere.

-So we've come to a crossroads where circumstances are dictating that we have to make some really serious decisions about some aspects of our future. There's a chance that we could be buying a house out of this immediate area, and that's scary. Then, there's also a chance that everyone could be ripped away, and we'll be completely on our own, and I'm not sure if we're ready for that kind of responsibility.

-I want a place of our own to call home, NOW! The way things are now is really frustrating. It's not our house; there's barely enough room for all of us; the damn animals are over-running the whole house; I can't do my own household type chores because things aren't mine and the situation gets really awkward when I do.

-Being constantly at home, being the main care-taker for my babies is starting to wear on my nerves. I need a chance to get out and do things just for myself from time to time. I need to have the chance to go out with friends - if I can ever make any of my own that can stand to stick around for longer than a month or two, and actually put the time and effort into making it an equal friendship, spending time with me more often than just what's convenient for them and their end goals.

-No way in the world am I done having babies. I want a total of four...that's only two more than we've got now. I just have this hole in my heart that's aching for babies to love on and raise up to be good, loving, wonderful people. I can't call it quits without at least giving it a try.

-I'm absolutely CRAVING some new ink, but we're FAR from having the money for it. Especially if we're gonna be changing up our living arrangements.

-If I don't get up off my ass soon, I'm gonna end up peeing my pants...I'm too old for that load of nonsense.

-Do believe it's time to be re-thinking the idea of pre-writing all of my posts, 'cuz it's starting to exact a heavy, heavy toll on my hand...making it cramp all up now. End of the line for me, today, OK?

A Day in the Life

2009-10-07T02:10:00.002-04:00

I decided to do a little tracking-my-day exercise last Wednesday. It was just going to be a brief thing...but I failed at that succinct thing - you'll see what I mean if you read through. If you don't feel like slogging through my custom krayzee, feel free to click away. I won't be insulted - I don't really wanna live through it the way it is, lately, myself, so I'm right there with you. OK, here we go....

12:00AM - look at the clock and realize I still haven't fallen asleep yet; hear The Husband snoring, RIGHT next to my head and try to push him off MY side of our bed, completely unsuccessfully.

12:05AM - try AGAIN to cease The Husband's snoring, then quickly roll away and make concentrated effort to go to sleep.

12:07AM - failing miserably at falling asleep; decide to close my eyes and start counting as high as I can before I finally fall asleep.

4:23AM - six-thousand, three-hundred, ninety-eight; HOLY FRACK, I hafta PEE; wait, why am I STILL awake NOW?

4:24AM - go to the bathroom.

4:29AM - regain mental control of effort to fall asleep.

5:58AM - give up on falling asleep before the kids get up for the day; start to get out of bed only to be pulled back down and groped by sleeping The Husband; feel trapped, start mini-panic-attack.

6:10AM - hazily hear The Husband's phone alarm go off to wake him up for the day; tune it out and re-focus on the dream I think I was having.

6:32AM - rudely wake to The Husband kissing me goodbye before he leaves for work; register the door closing before passing back out again. (yes, I noticed the redundancy, there, shove it)

6:49AM - why do I have such a small bladder: can I get meds to fix it and get a good night's sleep?

8:30AM - some infrequently-used part of my brain registers Boogaloo's T.V. coming on.

9:43AM - actually wake up for my day; run downstairs for diapers and wipes to come back upstairs and change baby butts before relocating everybody to downstairs for breakfast and playing before naps

10:08AM - get everybody downstairs after fighting through diaper changes and putting on socks to fight the chill downstairs (since my MIL hasn't got the sense to turn on the HEAT, opting instead for leaving it on the cooling system but raising the temp it comes on at up to 90...not realizing that by leaving the sliding door and ALL the windows OPEN when it's 42 degrees outside is NOT going to raise the INSIDE temp enough to cause the A.C. to come on - idiot), and start the breakfast process.

10:11AM - crank up temperature and switch the central air system over to HEAT, because it's OCTOBER now, and give Boogaloo his breakfast granola bar and juice cup, and Pickle some puff cereal finger-food to keep her from cramming her fingers down her throat.

10:13AM - call The Husband, per his request; tell him about all the krayzee so far this morning.

10:24AM - conclude phone call with The Husband by getting hung up on for "being a raging bitch."

10:46AM - let kids out of breakfast-eating seats and move to other front room for play time.

11:01AM - get irritated by Pickle gagging herself with her own fingers enough to vomit; call my Momma to ask about the stuff she bought to get my brothe to stop sucking his thumb; end up talking for over an hour about my own mental health and various other aspects of my life here in Casa de Animals-are-in-Control-of-EVERYTHING-Around-Me. (well, really, how could they not be? what with there being 9 of them, total, to only 6 of us humans.)

12:16PM - get off of the phone with my Mommy (so she can actually get some work done, since she's at that thing called her, y'know, JOB), and start on nap-time bottles and diaper changes.

12:22PM - field a call from my MIL about what do I want for lunch from 7-11, and how am I felling today, oh, a little crazy, well that's completely normal so don't worry about it.

12:30PM - actually get babies in cribs for naps, only to have to fight with Pickle for 10 minutes before giving up and letting her cry herself out.

12:41PM - Pickle is done screaming, but now Boogaloo is screaming bloody-murder; go fix him a new bottle, change his diaper, and put him back into his crib to cry HIMself to sleep.

1:36PM - Boogaloo back asleep; Pickle awake, but soothed by bottle - for now.

1:48PM - Pickle up and babbling to herself in crib, playing quietly and entertaining herself.

(somewhere in here, my MIL came home bringing lunch, ate said lunch, and went back to work.)

2:09PM - Pickle no longer content in her crib; time to bring her downstairs for sole purpose of just silencing the screaming.

2:42PM - try to take a nap while Boogaloo is still asleep and Pickle is entertaining herself safely in bouncer.

3:02PM - napping failed miserably; baby is screaming for god knows what reason.

3:03PM - boy child is awake again; can I EVER get a few personal moments just to decompress? is that really so very much to ask of the world?

3:32PM - call from The Husband reminding me he's not coming right home yet, and don't have a panic attack, babe; cue fit of rage induced by the patronizing words and tone.

4:44PM - The Husband comes walking in the door about going out and doing whatever else; hello manic low, how nice of you to visit me AGAIN today, for the THIRD fracking time since I got up.

5:17PM - The Husband took Boogaloo to go get his sinus infection meds, leaving me and the Pickle to chill; great, EXCEPT...the Pickle is sick of my face and screams NON-STOP until Grandma comes in the door, and then every time Grandma leaves her sight.

5:42PM - everybody's finally home for the night, now we start thinking about dinner; oh, we're having chili for dinner: guess it's a good thing I'm not hungry in the least, huh?

6:30PM - hungry hits; I ignore it.

7:49PM - eat a "meal" of chips and dip with nothing to wash it all down with while The Husband sucks down sodas, not paying the least bit of attention to me.

7:52PM - the Pickle goes up to take a bath in Grandma's sink before Boogaloo's shower; The Husband brings Boogaloo back downstairs and taunts him with food until he screams.

8:00-10:00PM - kind of a big blur/blob in my memory; as in I don't remember it.

10:09PM - Boogaloo wakes up screaming, The Husband asks me if I'm going up to him despite being the person standing ON the stairs; I tell him we'll give it 10 minutes then go if he hasn't worked it out (Boogaloo has bad dreams on the regular, and this was sporatic and sounded dream-like; aslo, going in his room to soothe him if he's not awake causes him to TOTALLY FA-REEK OUT...while he's still DEAD ASLEEP!)

10:21PM - Boogaloo STILL screaming bloody-murder; The Husband is ignoring him, sitting in our room right next door to Boogaloo's room, so I go upstairs to see what's what...he's SOAKED in sweat and snot, poor kid could hardly breathe!

10:24PM - suck the boogers out with the booger-sucker; change him into dry PJ's so he doesn't freeze to death and end up sickER (since my MIL REFUSES to turn on the heat until it snows! "Every time I turn the heat on it gets warm outside again, and then it's too hot in the house." bitch, that's why you have A.C. too!)

10:33PM - Boogaloo is sufficiently soothed and reaching for his crib to go back to bed.

10:35PM - bedtime routine (the short one) and the Boogaloo is back in bed, asleep; as I'm leaving the room The Husband RE-starts the fight we've been working through all night.

10:36-11:28PM - I stand in the doorway to our room, trying not to raise my voice while arguing with The Husband over what an idiot he's been lately; seething anger starts making me shake, I lose my vision and hearing; The Husband walks over (from where he's been sitting on the bed all this time) and grabs me; he tells me I was fine for a minute or two, then just completely crumpled (we later figured out I blacked-out), so he dragged me over and laid me on our bed (or so he tells me he did) and laid down next to me.

11:35PM - I have a sense of not being on my feet anymore; open my eyes slowly and it's dark, but I see the glows of everything electronic in our room; realize I'm on my back in bed and proceed to freak the eff out because I can't feel my toes/feet; The Husband sees I'm awake/conscious and tells me everything that happened with tears barely under control. (I remember thinking how funny it was that he could go from acting like such a jerk to trying to take care of me at the drop of a hat.)

11:50PM - last time I actually remember seeing before The Husband's phone alarm woke me up Thursday morning.

And I used to actually wonder why I'm so utterly exhausted by the end of the day....

A B C Tuesday: Sex Stuff

2009-10-06T22:43:00.002-04:00

Disclaimer: Due to the nature of today's topic, this post may not be for the faint of heart. Also, as yet another disclaimer, the things that are mentioned only truly pertain to my household when the particulars can be questioned.

-hand-job (also, hard-on)
-lingerie (also, libido, lap-dance, labia)
-fingering
-masochism (also, massage)
-intercourse
-bondage
-kinky-boots
-strap-on
-oral stimulation
-tie-down bed-straps
-quiet adventures
-dildos
-raunchy thoughts
-vibrators
-underwear
-nether regions
-jerking-off
-penis
-"wow face"
-clitoris
-eXotic dancing
-erotica
-zone orgasms
-anal play
-"yes, yes, yes" exclamations
-g-spot

Continued "Conversation" Two

2009-09-30T22:52:00.002-04:00

Dear Momma,
I've been meaning to do this again for a while now. It's sort of cathartic, I guess is the best way I know how to explain it. Anyway, I've had all these random thoughts, just floating around in my head - things that don't make sense, don't add up. Stuff that just comes to me; when I'm sitting down eating, or chasing the kids, or driving somewhere. I'll give you a little peek into my brain...I think a list is probably gonna work best. Here goes nothing, 'kay?

-The boy in "Phenomenon" - you know, the John Travolta movie - kinda gives me a glimpse at what I think Boogaloo might look like when he gets older...if he keeps his chubby cheeks. But only the scene where George is trying to help him be OK with the reality that he's gonna die.

-I'm not done having babies - I know that for a fact. And it's a big deal in my relationship with The Husband. If he had his way, we'd both be scheduling our respective surgeries to make it physically impossible for that to happen.

-I'm starting to understand a fraction of what you went through before Daddy got his breathing machine. The thought smothering The Husband has seriously crossed my mind on more occasions than I'd like to admit.

-I cannot start and finish anything in one sitting, unless I do it in the middle of the night. The reality of this has created a bad situation for retaining my train of thought and being able to keep my topics flowing. Perfect example of it? I had a ton-load of random ideas floating around in my head when I started this...that was 3 days ago, though, and I seriously lost the majority of them.

I think I'm gonna hafta close out here, before I get too frustrated with the situation. I'll get back on top of some of it in the middle of some other night, so I can work it out, from start to finish, all at once.

I love you, Momma, always and forever.
-The #1 Daughter

Weirdly Wandering Wednesday #2

2009-09-30T22:44:00.003-04:00

~the thought of smothering The Husband in the middle of the night to get some peace and quiet to be able to sleep has seriously crossed my mind.

~lists have started ruling my life in a way I never could have imagined was even possible.

~my baby boy got really sick and I wasn't even at home until after it started, so I couldn't comfort him from the outset.

~every passing day reinforces, more and more, my belief that my life has become a vicious cycle of one manic episode after the next, causing one problem after another for the family - because heaven forbid anybody else take the reins and drive this moving circus around.

~I've developed even MORE T.V. show addictions.

~radio and other forms of music are sadly lacking in my life, which is confusing because I used to not be able to function without some music.

~with these cyclical manic episodes, I feel like my poor kids are suffering almost as much as I am.

~brain fried, list of mind-wanderings done.

I do apologize for the short list today, but it's been a bad day and I don't have the capacity for anything else at this point in the night.

A B C Tuesday: Blip Thoughts

2009-09-29T12:28:00.003-04:00

These are the things that run through my head in the middle of the night. Please do not be frightened for me...or yourself.

-The cats will be the death of me, swear on that.
-He will pay for wronging me this way.
-I wonder how everyone would react if they knew, too.
-Why the HELL am I awake at 3:16 AM?
-Could this be the mania that was discussed before?
-Any chance I can keep going with these different letters to start each thought/line?
-Betcha that made you look back over all of them.
-Don't hate just 'cause I am teh awesome-sauce.
-Really, self? Did you just say that?
-Please forgive/excuse my complete lameness there. ^^
-Unfortunately, I foresee this continuing for a good while.
-Ever get the feeling you're making an absolute ass of yourself, but you can't stop?
-Yea, well that's pretty much where I'm living tonight.
-Just asking, no reason to get all hostile-like!
-Moving right along to more socially acceptable and/or interesting things....
-NASTY! Brain, that was totally uncalled for, and I demand you cease and desist instantly!
-For real, though?
-Getting harder and harder to keep from repeating letters.
-Keeping track of it? You should be!
-Let's take a moment to review and take in the amazing.
-Quickly, now, I don't have all night! (Well, all day by this point.)
-Xenon headlights blind me temporarily, and make me perpetually stabby.
-See what I did there?
-Very sneaky of me, keeping you on your toes!
-One more good one and I'll be done for the day.
-Zero ideas left in the bank - guess it's a good thing I'm all done, huh?

And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I believe I'll call it a night so I can dream up new ideas for topics for this, what has become "A B C Tuesdays." Taking suggestions....

Oh, But I Do

2009-09-27T03:35:00.002-04:00

Sweet Pickle Nickle,
I feel like I've been letting you get lost in the background with everything else going on in our crazy lives lately. It's textbook typical second child syndrome, and for that I'm deeply sorry. I'm working on changing how I handle that aspect of our little family, I promise, baby girl.
You're growing up so stinking fast, and I never thought I'd be saying that about my second baby. I'd planned to be more relaxed about everything, to have it all figured out well before you came along. Well you surprised us all with your CHAOTIC emergence onto the scene of our lives SO FAR ahead of any schedule...ask me about that on another day, and I'll gladly tell you all about your birth - provided I'm not manic.
Anyway, I'm sitting here, and it's the middle of the night - in fact, you just woke up again, rudely demanding your bottle back - and I'm madly scribbling about anything and everything racing through my head. All of a sudden, I just want to go back into your room and watch you sleeping. I've never gotten to do that with you like I did with your brother. The little things, you know? I just want to stare at your fuzzy little head and your chubby body and limbs while you're being so unusually still. And then I get up to head into your room. But then your brother starts whining, so I hesitate, and he stops. I do that back and forth thing a few more times and come to the conclusion that in his sleep he's aware of you getting attention when he isn't, and is gonna make it hard to do.
Jesus, I'm getting SO distracted.
Back-tracking now.
I wanted to tell you that I really do love you. I know I don't make it very obvious, but I do! You are my heart, my life, and you are ridiculously important to me, and I feel like I have to make that known in some way, for you to know about for sure in the future.

Mommy loves you, Pickle...really!

FLIP! Kill Me!

2009-09-27T01:27:00.002-04:00

I was in the damn middle of a train of thought, and my stupid red pen just up and quit working. Now I can't finish the thought.

No, I can't use another color.

Yes, I realize how stupid that sounds, and I don't care. Where my blog here is concerned, I'm obsessively organized...I have different topics color coordinated. That also helps me to tell me which hand-written draft is which when I'm working on multiple ideas at once.

You read that right. I said hand-written drafts. I have a physical copy of every single post I've put up here. I've had enough bad luck - experience, whatever you wanna call it - related to my computer(s) and the internet. Considering how therapeutic this outlet is for me, I don't want to take the risk that I could lose all of it forever. Well, that and the fact that I have a borderline inappropriate obsession with notebooks and pens, and writing things. Oh, and my hand-writing and how it changes/evolves.

Oh who am I kidding? I'm a pack-rat, and having a hard copy of my posts fuels my need to have things to keep track of and store somewhere.

Birthday - Revisited

2009-09-25T22:50:00.003-04:00

I didn't have a blog for Boogaloo's first birthday, and I wasn't going to worry about a post for him until his second birthday, except that my grandmother's 75th birthday was this week. Well with everybody going absolutely psycho over the "big event" I've had birthdays on the brain, and I figured I'd get it out of my system the best way I know how. Have at....

My Sweet Boogaloo,
I meant to start working on your birthday book exactly on time; but like with most of my plans, that didn't work out/happen. So I'm gonna go ahead and work it out on my own time here in words wihle I try to hunt down at least one picture of the non-even we made your First Birthday out to be. I'll start with the suggestions from the birthday book, but almost guaranteed I'll veer off-course and strike-out on my own.

Your very first birthday cake ever was: not even truly or technically your own. Since your Great Uncle Danny's birthday is the day before your's, you kinda got jilted, kid.

Here's what you thought of it and how you ate it: You didn't eat it, actually, so I'll spew about the cake you DID eat. That went all over nowhere, due to the fact that you liked it so much that it all made it into your mouth, neatly.

Your favorite gift was: everything you got that you could make a mess of and with. You weren't hugely interested in anything specific unless we pointed it out.

Actually what you liked most ended up being the boxes.

Quick mental snapshot: When I close my eyes, this is how I picture you: chubby all over, short blond hair, round sweet face with blue eyes that seem to see more than most at your age, and those mis-matched front teeth you have.

Your nicknames these days are: Buddha, Booger, Bubba Bear, Short Man, and whatever else comes out.

Anyone with the time/patience to get on the floor with you is your bestest little playmate.

You're really into your choochoo and Uncle Micah's robot toys right now.

Barring some horrifying disaster during the day, your routine runs smooth as baby skin, and being around you is a dream for everyone, But heaven help us all on one of your bad days - you tantrum like a big kid! All the violence no one could/would expect from your midget frame. I taught you how to give kisses, but you usually reserve them for me. I'm totally OK with that, since it generally tells me you won't be running away from home any time soon. This walking thing you're doing...I gotta tell you that it makes my heart swell with pride that you're growing up; but at the same time, it breaks my very same heart because every step you take is one more step towards being grown up enough to leave me. Not being one to over dramatize things, I guess I'll leave it here and go bawl my eyes out in the corner while you run your chubby little legs into the ground again.

Weirdly Wandering Wednesday #1

2009-09-23T05:50:00.003-04:00

~for some reason that I can't pinpoint, I still have yet to go to bed at 5:30AM; and as a direct result, am watching Love's Labour's Lost on IFC. only, I'm not really watching it so much as it's providing me background noise for thinking.

~over the past few weeks, I've picked up several books to escape into, only to discover that they have prequels or sequels; and my tragic OCD will not allow me to read one without the other, so I've simply started making lists of books that I need.

~Ted Dekker writes amazing books, but I can't read them before going to bed at night unless I just crave disturbing dreams.

~I've given serious thought to going running this morning, but I'm a little freaked out by the fact that: I don't have good running shoes anymore; I can't find my athletic ankle brace anywhere; and my competitive-grade knee brace has been missing since we moved back out of my parents' house again back in like April.

~if the weather holds, I may go for at least a short run this morning, anyway - because I'm just a rebel that way...totally, m'kay?

~people are starting to move around upstairs, and the sounds are not just a little bit unnerving in their creepiness today.

~hopefully, the babies have slept well tonight, on account of I fully intend to dump them on their father from the time he comes in from work to the time he leaves again for bowling - not that I at all see any relationship between the two, but I figured I'd combine them all the same today.

~this concept may have to stick around...at least for a while, so I can get all this chaos out of me.

~the end has to come so I can attempt to do any one of the things I've already thought about doing today.

Fair-Weather Nonsense

2009-09-23T05:21:00.002-04:00

To that person who calls you their friend when it works out to their advantage (all things in list form today):

~you have no idea what a friend is because you've never had a real one in your life; and if you have, I pity them for having been subjected to all of your self-centered BULLSHIT

~I stood by and let you get it all out of your system, ignoring the negative consequences other people were subjected to by your rage over absolutely nothing; as your thanks to me, you walked all over me, too advantage of my family's generosity, and bad-mouthed me to my own husband

~all of your outrageous and alleged dramas are entirely of your own creation, and I have exactly ZERO desire to help you crawl through yet another self-created round of it, only to have the WHOLE situation turned around and all blame for it somehow placed squarely on my shoulders

~the set of shoulders you've so frequently and liberally leaned/cried on are bucking your weight, so it's time for you to get on with the task of finding another un-confident little bitch to drag down into your hell with you. SUCKIT!

~my self-worth has finally registered in my head, and you're about to seriously lose a large aspect of your daily ego-stroke - on account of I'm no longer going to waste my precious time or energy trying to reel you back in from the ledge because the knowledge has presented itself that you don't need the support, but only the attention, and I'm not your bitch - nor was I ever, 'kay?

~I no longer need the crutch of claiming you as any sort of "friend" to make me feel more confident about my social status - you socially injured me and mine, speaking realistically, so you're out, ass

Warning: DANGER AHEAD

2009-09-23T03:00:00.002-04:00

Dear Whole Entire Extended Family,
You are all on notice. I will NOT put up with this crap you're dishing out to me. And this most recent situation has turned into a catastrophic attempt at a family gathering. I understand that it's Crazy Politically Stupid Obsessed Woman's birthday brunch because she's getting ancient, and that's al very noble, really. But you did a VERY shitty job of planning and coordinating around the needs and SCHEDULES of ALL the members of this family. All of you have impressed upon me/us how you really wanna see my kids. However, all of your actions are screaming that you only care about what's good and convenient for yourselves instead of taking into consideration the fact that there are two very small people living by and thriving on a strict schedule. So, contradict your claims and words with all your actions. Then, don't act so damn surprised at my reaction/response to it all when I tell you that you don't be seeing my babies. You didn't think about them in planning, so why should you think about them later on when you are NOT seeing them. And don't even bother bitching at me for it. I don't wanna hear about it. I'm the mom in this situation. My kids are far more important to me than they are to you and your plans regarding family-related events now. You really wanna see them, then you can work around their schedule to see them. They're too little to have to continually bend to the wills of all the other people in their lives. If they're important enough for you to babble about wanting me to arrange a chance for you to see them, then you can skip a "normal" day in your life for it to get worked out. Make it happen and I'll work with you.
Until then, I fully reserve the right to keep my children completely away from any and every single jerkoff who can't put them first on their list of priorities. You're all on the shit list, to begin with, and the short list for being denied visitation. Because I'm the mom, and I just said so.

Truth

2009-09-15T14:25:00.003-04:00

~I have been broken, now beyond any hope of repair, and I can't help but to lay blame all around.

~My shattered spirit holds no driving, burning desire to live after everything I've been put through, at the hands of those I love the most.

~Every relationship I've ever been a part of has left me newly damaged goods; each exacting its toll differently, but terribly all the same.

~The life drains slowly from me with every passing day that brings no attempt at reparations.

~Always, the hardest blows come from the most unexpected sources, at the absolute most inopportune moments.

~True grace consistently evades my best efforts at every turn, even still.

~I am - without doubt - the only person in this house who is in any real way commitedly serious about getting rid of all these disgusting animals my mother-in-law seems so determined to keep around for no good reasons.

~The cruelty is becoming less and less of a deterrent to my absolute NEED to get rid of these filthy animals. As if the fleas weren't enough, now the dog has begun pooping on the floor outside Pickle's bedroom, the cats have started trying to claim the babies' things - Boogaloo's high-chair, the play pen, their toys, binkies, bottles - as their own, what with their constant peeing/spraying/chewing/laying on everything.

~There is no logical explanation for the current and constant state of the place we call home. I've heard - multiple times - of at least one law against having as many cats as live in this house every single day, just creating more and more health hazards for my babies.

You Deserve the Truth

2009-09-13T03:15:00.003-04:00

Oh, My Babies...
So many things neither of you are yet old enough - let alone anywhere close to ready - to know and/or understand. All the complexities of life...the many hardships that come with acquiring age. Would that I could freeze you in this, your gloriously simply and perfect youth...before you become jaded by the cold, hard realities of the big, big world. But for all the hurting I would be saving you from, I would similarly be doing you a very grave disservice, not fully preparing you for the real world. So no matter how deeply it may pain me, I will simply explain the truth.
Notice I didn't say cleanly. That's because there is no such thing as a clean line to the truth. And, honestly, there is no one single truth that spans all reality. As there are forever two sides to every coin, so are there two sides to all truths - betimes more sides that just two, depending on the people involved. So I can only tell you MY truth; and I can only tell IT to the best of my own knowledge and understanding, owning from the very beginning that it very seldom makes full or complete sense, even to me
For, easily, the entire of length of our marriage thus far, your father and I have struggled to find a balance that works for us; a balance between being a parenting team and being a young, newly-ish married couple. The difficulty lies in my seeming inability to switch between the two roles at the drop of a hat. I'll freely admit that I do NOT handle transitions like that very well at all. It's just not within my scope of abilities. I work on it, I do. And I'm getting better, too. But I can't seem to get myself to a level of ability that suits your father well enough.
And then, among other issues...well that's just not a topic that I need to put out there like that for you two. At least, not right now. God only knows how that conversation would or possibly could scar either of you. Once we've gotten a chance to develop the type of mom-to-child relationship where you can talk to me about anything...we'll take thigns from there, and just see how things are on an individual level.
Now, my brain is shot and I can't bear to think about all this any longer. Maybe someday when we're all older - at least a little bit - I'll revisit it.
Regretfully honestly,
~The Mommy

Just Stop

2009-09-04T01:10:00.003-04:00

You're a TERRIBLE liar, and I'm not so stupid as to believe that. And, really, I never thought you'd be dumb enough to try it. Why did you bother with it, anyway? That much I think I deserve to hear about. Who am I kidding? You'll never tell me anything...let alone the honest to goodness truth now. Not after everything you've already lied to me about at this point. Why do you even bother trying to lie to me now? I read it on your face, in your eyes, and through the tone of your voice as soon as you start it. You've broken me, and I can't help but ask/wonder on the how and on the why. It's important to me, so take it seriously.

If You Must Know

2009-09-04T00:24:00.002-04:00

A bit of my kind of advice to the General Population:
~When you want your young teenaged daughter to avoid certain activities, you have a MUCH better chance of getting through to her if you actually talk to her about why it would be in her benefit to not smoke/drink/have sex, than if your whole conversation consists of you saying "I expressly forbid you to (insert forbidden activity), or else." Her "But why?" And you responding "Because I said so!" Granted, even being fair and respectful about it and treating her as an equal isn't a dead guarantee to get her to follow your rules; but that's just because teenaged girls always (well almost always) have a need to defy their parent(s) just for the sake of proving they can.

~The best way to keep teenagers and unprepared young adults from having sex and risking getting pregnant (or being the impregnator), is to put them in charge of the care and well-being of at least one would-be-autonomous toddler who doesn't talk for at least 48 hrs., with no baby-sitters allowed. At the end of those 48 hrs., you will either have them scared enough their parts freeze up and don't work, or you will have one/some of the best potential parents you have ever seen.

~There are no such things as bad days. It's all in how you handle it.

~All children have an inherant desire for parental approval, attention, and love. (No I'm not a doctor, I've just been there, and know the gut-pull to please my own parents. That, and I've been part of a lot of group therapy sessions in "treatment centers.")

~Contrary to popular belief, simply not eating for a time will NOT help you to lose weight. Your body eats itself, but as soon as you eat again it gets put in fat storage in case you deprive it of food again. I've done it before, take my word.

~Just because you write about things online doesn't mean people read it, let alone care what you said/say.

~Gentlemen, any time your wife has that murderous and/or devil-may-care look on her face, or in her eyes when she tells you to go ahead and do something because she doesn't care, to actually go through with the actions in question is to put your own life on the line. That facial expression combined with that phrase actually means "I've already made my feelings on this matter perfectly clear, and you risk losing all that you love and hold dear if you go against me." You've been forewarned...never say I didn't prepare you the best I could.

Space Filler - "Fluff"

2009-09-03T01:10:00.002-04:00

~Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people.

1. This gig we created for ourselves...it can't be done sitting down. So get up off your self-centered, lazy ass - because as long as you're around and able to actively participate, I will NOT do it on my own.
2. I am fully aware of your deep-seated need to be sure I'm well and wholly provided for and taken care of, and I appreciate that; truly, I do. But I'm an adult, now, too; and your hovering is taking away my opportunity/ability to make my own mistakes and learn from them. So, please - STEP BACK. Take comfort in the fact that I've grown up enough to know how to ask for help when needed, and to recognize those occasions before it's too late.
3. You're playing games with a child's life, just because you haven't been able to run him down and bend him to your will. Grow up, already. It's time to - QUICKLY - learn and accept that the world does NOT revolve around you and what you want. You'll do well to see that sooner rather than later, so that you don't ruin anyone else's innocent life in such a completely unnecessary manner.
4. The 6-7 month period of time you're agreeing to plan your wedding in is going to be the ruin of it all. And for that simple fact, I may be seriously tempted to actually show up at your madhouse ceremony, just to laugh at your chaos. The fact that I object has nothing to do with anything. But consider yourself forewarned on that front. Not to mention the part where I'm incredibly irritated by the lack of consideration that went into the thought process leading to asking The Husband to be a part of the ceremony while expecting me to wrangle both our children alone during your dumb wedding.
5. You think too much about yourself and nowhere near enough about how you affect others around you. Take me, for example. You call me ONLY when you WANT or NEED something from me and/or mine; that's not cool, seeing as I'm the only one who's truly been there for you through EVERYTHING; when you've asked me to hold your hand, or when you've kicked, scratched, and hit me in the heart and soul, or even when you've told me to fuck off 'cause you didn't need me. I WAS THERE ANYWAY! And this is how you thank me? By pretending I don't exist or you don't know me when it's convenient for you. Think twice before you come crying to me, begging for a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to bend about the latest drama (of your own creation) in your life. I'm not gonna hold fast, waiting for you to come around anymore.
6. I need you now, more than ever. Your guidance and kindness are what get me through my darker times, when I can't count on myself to dig in and haul out of my own volition. You are my rock, my light. You are the good in my life, in my world when I can't seen any possible goodness. You must, MUST outlive me, because if you go first I will not survive long on my own. You have been everything I ever need from you, even when people said you shouldn't; and for that, I could never than you enough. I do love you.
7. I can't handle your brand of psycho very often. I think we would be better friends if we didn't live so close to each other. Your constant need to live completely outside of your means makes me insane. I constantly want to tell you that it is the WHOLE reason you're still in the situation you are in. Oh, and the whole job thing - that right there is a slam-dunk case against you for having your baby taken away from you. The fact that you know for a fact that you could make 3xs a much as him if you got a job; but you WON'T because HE should HAVE TO bust his ass for the family you nearly FORCED him to create. And that he can't get a job he wants or likes just because you expect him to be miserable if he's not doing things YOUR way, but if YOU are "forced" to go back to work then you are ENTITLED to and DESERVE to do something FUN to make up for the fact that you're forced to be away from your baby - disregarding the fact that you resent your baby for taking away the life you had before. No, you're a GREAT parent, and are SPOT ON in criticizing me as a mother. GET OVER YOURSELF AND GET A CLUE. Take your meds, bitch...before someone commits you, permanently.
8. You break her heart or hurt her in any way ever again, and this entire family will be all over your case like white on rice, sir.
9. You are the lights of my life and I would die before I did anything to intentionally hurt you. I am who I am only because you shaped, molded, and changed me for the better. I want you to always be able to come to me about anything and everything, without being afraid of how I'm going to react, because you are my heart and I will love you regardless of anything you could imagine doing.
10. I want us to get along better than we have in the past. I know a lot of that was my own fault, yes, but you never exactly made things easy for me. It's time to change all that. We've both been through a lot, and I think we could do each other some good in the long run. I want us to be friends.

~Nine things about myself.

1. I am who I am, and that will not change based on someone else's opinion of me. I don't need your approval.
2. I drive like I feel. If I'm angry, you would be wise to stay out of my way; and if I'm sad or scared, you should take my keys away for a while so I don't get myself hurt or even killed.
3. Calm is not an emotion I'm very familiar with.
4. Someone criticizing my parenting skills makes me VERY stabby.
5. When I was 14, I was in an incredibly emotionally damaging relationship with a guy who made me feel less than deserving of my own life.
6. Every day that I get up, I have to consciously and continually remind myself that I'm better than that prick.
7. My children - while constantly challenging my temper and self-control - are a daily reminder of just how wrong I was to spend 3 years believing all of those pathetic lies he always fed me.
8. Graduating from high school was probably the single most gratifying event of my life...not to underplay the seriousness of the births of my children, but I never had anyone telling me I couldn't become a mother, like I heard daily about my inability to finish high school.
9. I'm absolutely OBSESSED with pictures, but I have no confidence in my photography skills, so I have no evidence of my weakness.

~Eight ways to win my heart.

1. Kiss me for no reason but that you want to.
2. Be proud to be with me, even around your friends.
3. Tell me love me, and mean it from your very soul.
4. Think I'm beautiful, whether I'm sick in bed or dressed to the nines to go out with you.
5. Hold my hand when we're walking around.
6. Appreciate all that I have to offer you; no matter how seemingly meaningless it may be.
7. Talk to me. Not the mindless small-talk of two strangers, but real, meaningful conversations.
8. Hold me close every chance you get. My heart could be shattered over something, but your loving, physical closeness will help make it better all the quicker. I LIVE for loving contact with my lover.

~Seven things that cross my mind a lot.

1. The early days/nights of our relationship.
2. That day at Great Falls, and the sweet simplicity of it all.
3. How on earth did I make it through those 10 months?
4. Serious, resolve-shaking doubt.
5. All our possible futures and how we'd manage it all.
6. Cinnamon flavored anything - candy, gum, alcohol.
7. What the hell am I gonna eat next?

~Six things I do before I go to bed (aside from the obvious "brush my teeth"/"wash my face").

1. Drink at least 1 can of soda. HAS TO HAPPEN, or I'm up all night.
2. Watch some kind of mind-numbing crap on T.V. to shut down the constant race of thoughts through my head.
3. Make bottles, kiss my babies and put them to bed.
4. At least think about the events of the day, and anything I could possibly write about.
5. Check all my email accounts (in a specific order); check Twitter; check Myspace; check Facebook.
6. Go upstairs to bed and read until I can't keep my eyes open anymore. (Yes, I know it contradicts the mind-numbing T.V. to shut down my brain by seriously engaging it, but I'm a study in contradictions, and it MUST happen for me to sleep.)

~Five people who mean a lot to me...in no real order.

1. Boogaloo
2. Pickle
3. my Mother
4. The Husband
5. Myself - don't hate. I'm a firm believer that you can't expect anyone else to love you if you can't even love yourself first.

~Four things I'm wearing right now.

1. red and navy Kappa t-shirt
2. green plaid p jammer pants
3. bracelet from Lost World Caverns in WV
4. Myrtle Beach tie-dye hoodie my sister picked out for me on this year's "family" vacation with my brother and grandparents.

~Three types of music/songs I listen to often.

1. country
2. hard rock/metal
3. rap/hip-hop

~Two things I want to do before I die.

1. See my children get married and have their own children.
2. Travel internationally, excluding Canada or Mexico because they can be driven into.

~One confession.

I don't actually know what I'm doing with my life. As in, I don't have any serious long-term goals that I can literally work towards. I live my life day by day, trying to just get through it, one moment at a time. I don't deserve half (easily) of the blessings I've been given for the simple fact that I really haven't had to work for them.

Final Notice of Complaint

2009-09-01T11:43:00.002-04:00

Dear Sprint Customer Service (supposed) Representative Fucktwat,
I've decided to lump you in with my extended family, as you have some few things in common with them. For instance, you both irritate me beyond the point of civility, what with your outrageous demands for these ridiculous sums of money to get your returns. (The Sprint service is crap-tastic; I cant be reached at my own home, and that was the whole point of having the phone in the first place, so it's like throwing away the money. My extended family only talks to me when they want or need something from me or The Husband, or when they want to see Boogaloo or Pickle, so that they can then turn around and tell me/us that we're doing it all wrong in our parenting decisions, so we need to pay to have our kids in ABC activities and XYZ programs, all at cost to us. Guess what? I say FUCK NO!) And then, half the time, you make offers or promises that you never have any intention of following through on/with. Sprint, you promise a marked discount on service costs on the accounts of soldiers - a discount to the tune of a whopping 15%. Well for the entire duration of The Husband's time in contract with you, Sprint bastards, he's been in the military. Surprise, surprise - we've NEVER seen a penny's worth of that discount. Our only view of a discount has been the small reduction on my line because of the fact that it's been active all 8 years The Husband has been carrying your service. Oh, you want it compared to my extended family, well alrighty then. On more than one occasion, one of more of my aunts or uncles or cousins has offered to watch the babies for me; and every time I've called to see about taking a few hours, they've had some excuse or another that renders them unable to help me. Then they tell me they can help me out in a few days - knowing full well that I have an appointment for one or both of the kids so it won't work then. Regardless, both parties being discussed make promises with the intentions of NEVER following through to the ends. I'm done with that crap. I've found others who will be real and who will be true to our family and the needs of it. So, extended family, I no longer put any stock in your false promises. And, Sprint, we're breaking up. Your shitty service and craptasticular phones have finally lost their pull. We found someone who told us about their military discount up front, and who gets better reception, and who has WAY cooler phones. So, Sprint, we are TOTALLY OVER. You will get the formal letter of intent to cancel before long, and you can grieve as you see fit. As for us, we're thrilled to break with your abuse.

Unkindly yours,
disgruntled customer

Continued "Conversation" (Wherein I use lots of CAPS)

2009-08-24T12:42:00.003-04:00

Please take note, this was from Saturday, that is all.

Dear Momma,
Is it horribly wrong of me to feel somewhat vindicated by today's unfolding of events? Mayhap I should explain first: Last night The Husband and I went out for a few hours to see some friends, sans our kids, and we got in late. It probably wasn't my best choice, since I've not felt 100% lately, but I needed to get out of the house to be a grown-up. Well between going out and being semi-sick, and us staying up so late, I somehow managed to stay in bed until a bit after noon.
By the time I was jarred awake by piercing baby screams, and then whacked in my eye by a swinging pacifier keeper, I went out into the hallway to a seething The Husband, babbling about how he was losing his cool because he was left all alone with his own children. I was taken by the face and told that if it meant I never had a social life again, I would never "lounge in bed while the kids run around terrorizing things." I think I laughed at that since Boogaloo tends to fall when he runs, and Pickle hasn't even started to crawl. Well that didn't go over nicely. Everyone was gone, the kids both needed attention at the same time, and there was no help to be had, since their mother was sleeping and "ignoring the cries for help from downstairs."
Let me take this time to say that it was 12:30, the kids got up at 9, and "everyone" left the house at 11:30, so they'd been fed and entertained for the morning and it was PAST the beginning of their usual nap time. It took me less than 10 minutes to get them both calmed down and into their respective cribs for naps, where they BOTH stayed for the next 4 HOURS.
My words to The Husband about the situation? "I get up with you at 6AM, Monday through Friday, struggle to get back to sleep by 7AM, and then get up for good no later than 8:30AM with the kids. By that time ALL the people in the house are LONG gone. I have to contend with dirty diapers, the likes of which make me gag, and then clean up dog shit from the kitchen floor before I can even bring the kids downstairs. I get both of them contented, fed, and entertained by 9:30. ALONE. And then, to top it all off, I manage to put the pair of them down for naps, by 12:30, 1PM at the latest. Please do not forget that I have no one available to wake up when I'm overwhelmed, and I haven't EVER called you at work to ask you to please COME HELP ME NOW in a half-crazed voice. I know and understand well how you feel, dealing with them alone, but it does NOT compare to what I do while you work. Have a full-on function-ceasing panic-attack and I'll give you some attention, but you will never have my whole or even partial sympathy."
Now, keeping in mind that I get EASILY over-stimulated or "touched out" when the kids want to sit on my face from wake up PAST nap time and REFUSE to go to sleep, I consider his experience an easy day. I've been victim to full-on panic-attacks that render me useless; like I have no choice but to put both kids in cribs with bottles in their hands, then walk away to hug my knees and rock while they scream each other and themselves to sleep, because if I keep dealing with them I'll snap, and there's no near-by relief team to come in and dry tears and quiet the screams...my tears and screams, that is. I ask you again, was I too harsh with my words and attitude, since he was an integral player in the creation of said crazy-making babies? I think not, 'cause I'm a crazy, heartless bitch today. And, really, every day he's an inconsiderate jerk.

Heartlessly,
~Caitlin

Picking Up After Leaving Off

2009-08-21T00:00:00.003-04:00

Dear Mom,
I feel like we don't talk enough anymore, and that hurts...bad. After having lived with you for almost my entire life, and having occasion to talk at least once a day sets a pretty weighty precedence, and now it seems like I see you once a month - at best. We used to be best friends, back in the day, too. What happened to that?
Like I said, we used to be best friends. You don't have to tell me how cliche that sounds. I'm very well aware of it. But we were. I could talk to you about anything and everything - it was always in a dark room, facing different directions, but we could say whatever whenever we had the chance. I miss that. I miss my mom who had to know what I was doing when, and where; who used to enforce my phone curfew (even though I'm no longer obliged to obey that directive, being married, and all that). You always told me I wasn't ready to grow up, and I forever argued with you about that. Well guess what? I wasn't totally aware of how right you always were. I went and got myself in WAY over my head with this whole thing. Every day that we don't talk, I want that much more to reach out to tell you that I want and need you back in my day to day life, helping me figure out a lot of these situations.
Everything with [The Husband] is getting totally effed-up once again. Nothing I say or do is enough to get through his head. He doesn't hear what I hear, and everything is always about him...he has to bust his hump to take care of his family (cuz I'm sitting home, eating bon bons while the invisible nanny - that I hired in secret - takes care of the kids for me, didn't you know?); he has to take care of the kids the second he walks in the door, and gets no down time (even though he comes in and gets right on his computer straight away after work without saying word one to me, without acknowledging either of the kids, or even bothering to change out of his stinky work clothes, while I have a mild to moderate panic attack from being overstimulated all day); I expect him to do everything around the house, even after he works a long day at work (when in all reality, he comes in and proceeds to ignore everything while I continue to handle everything); he's the only one who can acceptably navigate through bedtime, so he gets no break there either (when he typically surfs the internet while his mother or I change diapers and clothes and make bottles, then I put the kids down to bed). In short, unless things totally benefit [The Husband], and make him look better, he doesn't do jack shit. It's really rather irritating and it kinda makes me wanna dig his eyes out with a rusty grapefruit spoon. Just once, I'd absolutely LOVE for him to put the rest of us; his own nearly self-created family; before himself. One day...one day I'll get mine.
I'm gonna continue to make my own way to keep "talking" to you more regularly. Completely disregard the fact that our "conversations" will really be "my" one-sided "conversations." We will refuse to acknowledge me making a fool of myself constantly. Ignore that one of my worse regular personal traits is under a magnifying glass to make it that much more blatantly obvious, you know?

I love you, Momma, always have, always will.
~Caitlin

Creeper...Know Your Place

2009-08-20T09:13:00.002-04:00

Dear Father In-Law,
Please take very close note of that title by which I addressed this letter to you. That's right, you are the father of my husband, grandfather of my children. Do you understand the implications of that? The GIGANTIC barrier that puts between you and me, do you see and acknowledge that? (Because, whoa boy, I do, and also, I LOVE IT saving me!) It means that not only are you a creepy old pervert, and an incestuous, dirty bastard, but you are also a semblance of a pedophile. Do you not realize how old you are? Especially compared to me? You have damn near 30 years on your son, and he's 5 years my senior. That means I wasn't even close to being born by the time you turned 18. Don't look at me how you do.
As the father of my husband, you have ZERO business looking at me like that. I'm not in any way your next meal, so stop looking at me all hungrily while you drool at me. It's WRONG, man! And trying to get all buddy-buddy with me won't help your case, either. You only further irritate me by doing it. I will NEVER call you "dad" to your face, and only to your wife and children as a means of clarifying who, specifically, I'm talking about, and out of respect since I'm not your peer so I can't just say "[your name]" this, or "[your name]" that. But never directly to your face. I don't see you like that and will never have that much or that sort of respect for you.
You make me outrageously uncomfortable. It's just not right that I've given you that much of that type of power over me. Steps will be taken to effect a change about that, be forewarned. Your days are numbered short. I have plenty of things to say to you, that you will have no possible come-backs to, and things that will potentially put you right on your ass.
Contrary to your "all-powerful degree," you are nowhere near as intelligent as you try to make people believe you are...as intelligent as you seem to believe you, yourself, are. Please, you try living a day in my life, and see if you can manage to survive half the trials/struggles I've had to endure. Try handling yourself socially even half as well as I do. You may have those big book-smarts, but you would NEVER make it in a world where intelligence holds no weight or meaning.
The tendency you have to demean and belittle women...that consistently denotes your own insecurity and hatred of females. Well guess what? That time is well up now. Your wife may just take it all from you, but guess what? Not all the rest of us females will be doing the same. The rest of us females...we'll be making a big stand against you. You're a fucking coward. You kill everyone's joy, and then you take your own joy from all of their misery. I think it's just about the right time for you to be made very well aware of just how much of a terrible person you are all deep down in your soul. You have no qualms with your choices to step on people and put them down. That shit...is wack!
I cannot - and will not - sit idly by and just watch you continue the one "old timey traditional stigma" that men are better than women, simply by their gender at birth. Your sex has nothing to do with jack shit - it's all about who you are as an individual; what's in your mind, heart and soul. Your mind is dirty in the gutter. I'm not sure if you have a heart and if you do, it's made of ice or cold, hard stone. And your soul - if you didn't already sell it to the devil - has long been blackened.
Thus far, the top happiest days of my life are almost all included in: the day [The Husband] asked me to marry him, the night I graduated from high school, the afternoon Boogaloo was born, the day - a few days later - when [The Husband] and I got married, and the early, early morning when Pickle and I defied all the odds and she came screaming into the operating room. As soon as we move out of this filthy-ass house you pay rent for...the day that we finally live in our own home, THAT will be WAY up there on my list of good times from my life. It's my turn to be really happy; and as childish as it may be, I'm going to take great joy in dashing your hopes of being the "big man on campus" here at the house now. Good luck trying to win all our affections from here on out. Now, it's GAME OVER, you big jerk.

Unkind & unpleasantly as possible,
~The Daughter In-Law

I Promise

2009-08-15T00:20:00.002-04:00

Dear You,
I honestly don't know who you are, and that's OK with me. I appreciate your readership, whether it be loyal or not. I've come to the conclusion that at some point in the near future - which may not actually not be so near, since I'll have to grow a pair and sprout some uncommon-for-me courage to do it - I'm going to just outright follow all the people's blogs I have in my feed-reader, instead of doing it all anonymously. None of you really know who I am, so what difference does it actually make if I tell you I'm reading you? I don't know...maybe I shouldn't have had those drinks chasing drinks tonight after the babies went to bed. The validity of that statement will never be known, as it's already too late to keep it from happening, and I'm going to bed now. Like I said, I WILL eventually follow you all with you knowing about it. Just let me lurk for a while longer before I completely out myself for the world to know about it...I'm a newbie, here, for cripes sake!

Respectfully,
Cuz That's Just How I Roll

Stupid Phones

2009-08-13T10:33:00.002-04:00

Dear Husband,
And really, anyone else who would be calling the house to talk to any of us, actually. The house phones are seemingly down. I can't call out from here, with the house phone OR with my cell phone. (The cell phone thing is an entirely different scenario, and has more to do with the fact that Sprint can suck my left big toe for their unnecessary drama...it's not OUR fault that they said the bill for July was already paid, thus leaving us free to save our money until the August bill was due, then deciding the last week of July to say "Oh, hey, we never got paid for your July usage, and now we're going to suspend your service until you pay for 2MONTHS of service! Good luck coming up with over $600 to get your phones back on!! Yea, we're switching to Verizon once Husband gets his first check from this job, I get it.) Where was I? Oh yea! So I can't call you if anything goes horribly and terribly wrong with one of the kids. I can't even call 911 because there is exactly NO dial tone when I try to pick up the phone. To the best of my knowledge, nobody has tried to call the house, but that assumption is only based on the fact that the phones have yet to ring today. I could be completely wrong, and people could've been trying to call all morning long, and just things are ridiculously screwed up and nothing will go through. Anyway, I just figured I'd let you know that we're again stranded at home, but this time we can't do anything at all about it because I can't even use the phone to see if someone would be so kind as to come play with us. Anyway, we really are here, just can't contact anybody, once again. I'm gonna go ahead and chalk this one up to your parents failing, once again, to do something they should've done, and now I'm paying the ultimate price for it. (Hey, thanks, a-holes!) Right, well we'll be here whenever you get home, and hopefully something can be worked out so that we can fix all this crap before I completely lose my ever-loving sanity...not that I have very much of it left, so maybe we should expedite this whole process. (Hey AMSA 91, that would involve you deciding that paying Husband before the 27th of this month - at which point he will have been working for you for 4 business weeks - would be an excellent idea, and something worth going ahead and fixing!!) Have a nice day at work, and hopefully you don't have anything too pressing to tell me, so it will all wait til you get home to tell me.

Love always,
~the Wife

In No Particular Order...100 Things About Me. Also Known as the Biggest Time Suck EVAR!

2009-08-11T10:38:00.003-04:00

I will apologize in advance for the potential this list has for boring you silly, and creating in you the urge to rip your own hair out at the root. It is what it is, and it IS going up - clearly, as you're reading it.

1. I have outrageous sensory aversions.
2. The texture of baby formula makes me want to murder.
3. My children are the greatest things ever to happen to me, followed closely by my husband.
4. I almost never talk about myself, so you should be counting your lucky stars. (Not that I actually expect you to care a lick about anything on this list, or to actually count your stars, lucky or otherwise...just saying.)
5. This list is causing me to confront some serious personal demons.
6. I'm not even completely certain the nature of my demons.
7. I'm 21 years old, I do NOT like to drink for the purpose of getting drunk, so the jokes are unnecessary at this point.
8. One of my parents' birthday presents to me is that my mom is taking me on a wine tasting tour, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
9. I (lamely) aspire to becoming one of those bitchy wine-drinking snobs - without the snob part.
10. If you asked anyone who knows me well to describe me, one of their first adjectives would include "psycho".
11. The people who actually know me well can be counted on less than one whole hand.
12. Those few people seem to change day to day.
13. I've broken almost every bone in my body at least once because of gymnastics.
14. The only breaks NOT from gymnastics were my femur and my thumb.
15. My femur was probably THE single most difficult injury I have ever recovered from.
16. I have RE-learned how to walk exactly 9 times.
17. In my life, I've undergone 5 major surgeries.
18. My parents only know of 2.
19. Thunderstorms are the only guaranteed sound I know of that will put me to sleep in less than an hour.
20. The thunderstorm has to actually be happening in real-time where I am to lull me to dream-land. Those CD's are relaxing, but a waste of time beyond that.
21. Yes, I am very well aware of my nuroses.
22. The sound of my husband snoring could wake me out of a dead sleep, and it's not even that loud.
23. He snores all night, every night. Why, no, I don't sleep very much, how did you know?
24. In the 2 days following the start of my blog, I instantly became a better version of me. I am very well aware of how cliche and stupid that seems, 'kay?
25. Did I already mention how much I hate making lists of personal info? No? Well I hate it! But you don't know me, so I felt it was completely necessary. I'm doing it out of the pure goodness of my heart.
26. I seriously doubt anyone's still reading at this point.
27. If you're still reading at this point, leave me a comment letting me know how I can contact you electronically so that we can become the most bestest of friends onthe internet, OK?
28. That thing up there ^^...yea, I was just kidding about the whole thing.
29. Really though, if you wanna be internet friends I'd be totally cool with that, too.
30. I don't expect you to see the humor above. I'm not a funny person; I know this. I've totally accepted my grievous lack of teh funny.
31. My husband hasn't the slightest idea that I've started writing about our lives on the web.
32. I've already decided, however, that I'm not at all concerned about that fact. He won't find it, as he's not looking for it. What he doesn't know won't anger him.
33. Despite all the seeming hostility I harbor where he's concerned, my husband is my best friend and I physically can't stay mad at him.
34. While I swear on my children's lives that everything I write about our family is entirely true, I will freely admit that I'm making it all up as I go along...in the flying by the seat of my pants kinda way.
35. I just realized that I may be forced to fess up to my blog with to my husband if it ever starts getting any serious traffic and I get any profit from having adsense ads on my page.
36. I want someone to design a layout to my own personal specifications, but I have exactly zero money that I could use to hire anybody to do it.
37. I too a web design class in high school, but it was mostly so that I could screw around on the internet during a class without getting in trouble.
38. I still haven't fully determined what my goals and/or aspirations are for this piece of work.
39. Sadly, I live most of my life that way...not knowing where I want to go with things.
40. I think that would be the top of my list of things I'd like to change about myself if it were possible...that I don't plan far enough ahead when I start things.
41. As a direct result of my lack of planning, a lot of my life is unguided.
42. This list will probably be remade with completely different facts, thus making it more like 200 Things About Me.
43. Having said that, I won't even be able to finish this first list cuz that's what happens in my life.
44. There are a lot of gaps and very important details that make me, me, that I guarantee I will not be able to shorten well enough to include in this list.
45. At some future time, I promise to give you the chance to ask me any random questions - well, within reason - or to call bullshit on me.
46. The first Halloween the Husband and I spent together, his friends' pure-bred German Rottweiler bit my hand.
47. I have 2 scars from her - that bitch.
48. The dog's name was Dojah Bleu.
49. She bit someone else's kid after biting me, and Animal Control made them put her down - she had a temperment problem, and a bad one at that.
50. Surprisingly, I've made it halfway through my list in one go. Mark your calendars, yo!
51. I promise to have more meaningful things of note to say in the future.
52. I know better than to start lengthy lists late at night. I always end up losing my train of thought, going off on tangents, and inevitably falling asleep.
53. I will eventually provide a much better piece of information about myself, but first I'll have to get to know myself considerably better.
54. Growing up, I always wanted to be a writer for an advice column, but I never had any good advice to give to anyone.
55. I don't know how to dance in any sort of adult, appropriate, or mature way...it's a bit disheartening.
56. My mother wanted to put me in anger management classes/therapy, but never did.
57. The local police department had a file on me when I was growing up, on account of I ran away too many times. Not to mention all the fights they thought I started-in actuality, I was breaking them up.
58. Every day that I don't keep to some semblance of a schedule for the sake of my children, I ache to the depths of my soul for such tragic Mommy FAIL.
59. I want a baseball team's worth of babies of my own, but I've been told my body isn't capable of it now, after 2 C-sections only 13 months apart.
60. Maxing out my kiddie-count at 4 will have to do - if I can talk the hubs into that many.
61. When my brother was very little, I used to tell him that he was adopted if I was upset with him; he always believed me because I'm 12 years older than he is.
62. Hypothetical situations make my skin crawl, but I use them ridiculously often to judge people's reactions to things I've done.
63. I just realized that I have a lot of secrets I'm desperately trying to keep from the people who mean the very most to me.
64. Books are my escape; my addiction.
65. I'm forever working my hardest to escape the reality of a lot of my situations into books.
66. Never do I err on the side of caution.
67. Large, group events are well outside of my comfort zone.
68. Regularly, I'm described as antisocial.
69. Big crowds make me nervous, really nervous.
70. My father-in-law creeps me out in the extreme.
71. I'll write a letter-post about it sometime soon.
72. It's nearly impossible for me and my sister to get along for any length of time without violence.
73. Father dearest thinks I have rage issues.
74. I think he's an arrogant asshole who can shove his opinions of me right up his fat nose. The fact that he's right has absolutely no relevance.
75. When I was first learning how to write, I tried to teach myself to be left-handed because my mom is left-handed and someone told me that lefties live longer.
76. After just 2 days of blogging, posting 2 measly posts in that time, I can already tell that I need to keep it up and post as close to every day as possible to keep myself sane.
77. My kitty cat, McGee, is sick. But I don't know what's wrong with him or how to get him healthy again, and it makes me sad.
78. I desperately want to change cell phone service providers because Sprint sucks a butt.
79. I'm really struggling to come up with personal details to share with you poor, unsuspecting folk.
80. From this point on, the relevance of anything I have to say will be questionable at best.
81. You have been fairly warned in advance, don't complain to me if you're displeased and/or annoyed.
82. I'm way too nice for my own good.
83. On a regular basis, I annoy the crap out of my husband by offering to help our friends with the little things.
84. There is no brain-to-mouth filter built into my model. This routinely causes me to hurt people's feelings, offend others' better sensibilities, and get myself into lotsa trouble.
85. Because of my short fuse and hot burning rage, I have a foul mouth.
86. One of my biggest fears is being unable to control it around my children once they start repeating everything I and/or my husband say(s).
87. I despise being in the spotlight, but I pray for my attempts at helping others to be noticed and acknowledged.
88. My heart aches to feel my love reciprocated by the people I love most; it kills me to have my efforts at being affectionate ignored, or worse yet - rejected.
89. I decided to give blogging a try in a last ditch effort to regain some semblance of my last shred of any sanity remaining hidden in me.
90. Has anybody else noticed how long a list of 100 facts/items actually is? I think I deserve to treat myself with something at least moderately fantastic and/or phenomenal if, by the grace of God, I somehow manage to come up with the rest, yes?
91. The house we are currently living in also houses 8 cats and 2 dogs. Sadly, 1 of the dogs has had cancer for the last 3 years, and has been inhumanely allowed to suffer by both of my in-laws.
92. Considering how close I am to completing this list, I have now begun considering possible ways to reward myself whenever I finally do finish it.
93. Now that my brain knows that I'm thinking about a reward, it has flat refused to cooperate with me.
94. This postpartum brain I call mine has begun failing me with increasing frequency.
95. Despite the fact that we currently have a completely adequate and acceptable dwelling (that technically belongs to my in-laws, we just live in it), we are looking into a few other options for places we could call our own. Not to mention, places that won't also shelter 8 shedding cats, a dog with cancer, and another dog with terrible hot spots, both of who stink to high heavens. A healthy living/breathing environment for my kids to grow up in.
96. Having only 1 car to cart our family around in is very inconvenient when it is also the only car to get the Husband to work 15 miles away with limited chance(s) to leave in the case of some potential family emergency at home where I have no vehicle to transport the kids to wherever.
97. As well as looking for a potential home, we are seriously looking into buying a car from a family friend - something sturdy and dependable enough to get the Husband to and from work, and leave me with a reliable vehicle to take the kids to the doctor, dentist, mall, or to a play date.
98. It is my deepest desire to be able to, one day, own a brand new car, and I have been promised that it will happen sooner than later.
99. I spent 15 years of my life playing what I think is 1 of the most difficult sports in the world, and it kept me in excellent shape with an effective metabolism. I quit playing soccer and it showed: my thighs turned to jelly, my arms lost all their tone, and my nearly-six-pack-abs became more like a pony keg.
100. Once our lives settle down and we can work out an easy (enough) schedule, it is my implicit plan to get back into an exercise routine to get back down to my ideal weight and the feel-good place that being flabby has taken me out of.

Finally! I finished my list, and it only took me 5 days. As for the reward I give myself, I'd like to take suggestions from anyone crazy enough to actually read all the way down to here. Thank you for your time, and I apologize for wasting your time and killing your brain and all the cells therein.

Karma Will Bite You

2009-08-10T11:10:00.002-04:00

Obviously, this didn't happen today, but this was the first chance I've had to get back to my blog since Friday afternoon. Boogaloo, himself, has tried to convince me to forget about it all by way of distracting me with his love and affection...when he's not playing in the dog water.

Dear Boogaloo,
Hitting me is hazardous to your health to begin with. Adding in the fact that you tried to hit me with a dish scrubbing brush while standing in 3-4 inches of water in a little plastic wading pool is bound to cause you exponentially more grief. Even 19 month olds are affected by karma, and the universe DOES notice you.
I'm sorry for laughing out loud when you fell square on your tush, but don't forget that I was far from alone in my laughter. Your Grandma, Grandpa, and Daddy were all laughing too, kiddo. However, I'm not entirely convinced that it was ALL your karma knocking you down. The piece of ground Grandma decided to put the pool on isn't close to flat. There was soap residue from you all washing the dogs in the pool even before you got in it. And most importantly, the dogs were chasing each other all around and through the pool, right beside you standing there.
Your screaming and flapping/splashing over the injustice of your plight was entirely unnecessary. I think, though, that blame for your crank and funk all day Saturday rests on both your dad and me - we kept you out later than your bedtime Friday night, and your "schedule" has been kinda off today as a result. That said, I'm not totally convinced that your rejection of and intolerance to transitions is all just you being cranky. The transition drama happens every day we do something unexpected that doesn't fit into "normal routine down time". It could also be because everyone was home all day Saturday and you've already gotten adjusted to it being just you, Pickle, and me from the time you get up to when Daddy gets home after your nap...I haven't figured you completely out quite yet.
Regardless of any of the answers to the semi-questions I've brought up, I love you as big as the sky, and nothing will every change that. Just...don't hit me - with your hand, a dish brush, or anything else, really - cuz it makes me not like you very much for a while, OK?

~The Mom

Much Better, Thanks

2009-08-08T01:35:00.003-04:00

I'm decidedly happier today, so we're on a better path at this point, ladies and gentlemen.

Dear AMSA 91,
I know we don't have any sort of relationship beyond me being married to a man you employ. Giving that ample and proper thought, I would like to thank you for finally getting him off of his ass and out of the house. You've helped to relieve some of the tension of our marriage, resulting in an immense improvement to my sanity, our lives together, and most of all to our occasional sex life.
I'm not quite sure how to adequately thank you. Nor do I know how to do it face to face. I wish there was some way to assist you wonderful folks in a more affective way, but for now it's gonna have to suffice it that I'm supporting your employee and doing everything I can to keep him coming in to work each and every day of the work week. It's all gonna be beautiful, I know it in my soul. I'm absolutely thrilled about it!

Really? Truly? Honestly?!

2009-08-06T22:05:00.004-04:00

So as a fair warning to you all - I'm a bit hostile at the moment...just saying. You've been warned.

Dear Husband,
Did I not make myself clear enough to you when I said you need to actively participate in our family - the family you had a VERY large role in creating? I ask again because you continue to come home from work with some huge chip on your shoulder - like your life is so hard, working at your self titled "dream job" that you've said many times is so much fun. You get away from your familial responsibilities and get to play with/on trucks all day, and then you come home and sit down at your computer to waste more time. Is it too much to ask for you to engage with your own kids long enough for me to pee alone and with the door closed, take another shower (as I've dealt with child and cat puke as well as dog shit), and maybe read my book for a bit? You told me over and over that you wanted to have as much a part in their lives as possible. In face, it was your go-to reason for why you got back from Iraq in November of '08 and just started working Monday, with it now being August '09. But now your actions are contradicting your own statements.
You're distant, irritated by them, despise being asked to help out with a diaper change here and there, even though I handled them all for upwards of a year ENTIRELY ALONE. It's too much to ask of you to play and interact with your own son after you repeatedly told me you wanted nothing more than to be able to hold him and tickle him the entire duration of your deployment. It's been such a huge burden, now, for you to hold your own children when I'm over-stimulated and touched out after a long day of both of them wanting to constantly be held despite the fact that I carried our son constantly while you were gone, and even after you came back, while I was pregnant, full term. For the simple reason that you didn't know what you were doing and wanted me to show you how to do everything child related. You might as well just go ahead and start denying paternity. AGAIN.
I've bent over backwards to accommodate you re-adjusting to a "normal" life, to help and ease you into the role of being Daddy to these 2 beautiful babies who look just like you. Sadly, all that assistance I've been giving you hasn't done you any good. Truthfully, it's allowed you to step backwards, out of, and away from everything to do with your role as their father.
Also, it's cost me myself. I don't have the confidence in myself that I used to because despite you being unsure of how YOU could/should do anything, everything that I do is wrong and you deem it necessary to chastise me for it regularly.
I've spent so much time doing for you and/or the kids that I've lost sight of everything else that made me, me. You've put me into a position where I don't know who I am anymore; and while you become easily frustrated with me by that, you also do nothing to help alter the situation. You've taken the joy out of being the mommy of these wonderful little people and made it like the job I had to quit when I was pregnant with Boogaloo because they were a half a heartbeat away from firing me anyway - despite the fact that pregnancy discrimination is illegal, even in Virginia...damn "right to work" state that we live in.
You consistently crush my spirit; not to mention my fragile, easily shattered self-confidence. And for all of this shit, I am very angry with you. That word - "angry" - should carry some heavy meaning to you, as I hardly ever use it, instead speaking of my immense frustration or displeasure. Anger to me is like hatred. It takes ridiculous amounts of negative energy and outrageously frustrating situations to bring it out of the depths of my being. But once it's been brought to the surface, it's here to stay, to grow, to deepen to unfathomable degrees. You're in serious trouble, mister, and you better watch it. Because I am after you.